OCD, These Meds are Supposed to Help You
Oct. 16th, 2012 11:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breezeshadowPretty much ever since I learned how to drive, I have the obsession that I've hit a person. It doesn't matter if I saw something. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if I'm in an area WITH people. If I go over a bump, hear a thunk, anything: it is a dead human I just hit.
At some point, this developed a compulsion, which is quite unusual for my OCD. I don't recall it really starting until I got a car on Cornell's campus and thus had TONS of pedestrians around. But I would feel the urge to retrace my route and check that all was well.
Of course, doing this wouldn't always go well, and sometimes I'd want to check again. But usually I could just go once, or not at all.
The compulsion is still around since moving to CA. And today it took a sudden turn toward severe/WTF.
I was being a bad driver and on my phone, trying to load the last bit of the Presidential debate to listen to. I was on a very familiar road, but was still startled when my car went over the large hill/bump it has. I go over this bump every day. I'm used to it. I know what it is. I throw my phone aside to focus, giving up on the debate since the highway is coming up.
OCD said it was a dead person, and so the anxiety began.
I told myself no. There's a car behind me first of all, so unless they hit them too, there's nothing there. This usually works to some extent, yet the anxiety was still around. So I said no, I'm not turning around, I'm on the highway, it'd be horribly inconvenient. Anxiety getting worse to the point of semi-poor focus. I said well fine, you know what? If a hit-and-run is reported and it's me, I'll just turn myself in, okay? Deal with the jail time whatever, but no, not turning back.
Anxiety still bad. I suppose thinking of jail time wasn't the smartest idea there.
And that's when I got off the highway, a few exits down from where I had come, got lost, and wasted 30 fucking minutes retracing my route.
When I finally got back to that intersection, I could see, of course, that there was nothing. Just as I knew. Just as I had told myself. Just as I had been berating myself in my mad turn around.
I wanted to fucking cry.
Somehow, that wasn't the end of the obsession. Sure, the anxiety had disappeared the INSTANT I pulled off the highway, though the self-deprecation replaced it. But apparently doing that had gotten me into a bizarre obsession spiral.
At one point, I went over a bump on the highway, and my brain told me I had just hit a car. No seriously. A bump turned into a WHOLE CAR. And I was like "Uh, fuck no, that's not something we can just TURN AROUND for, and what the fuck?"
And then once back in the city the typical "Bump in the road YOU KILLED SOMEONE" obsessions kicked back in. At least the "There's a car behind you, which means they must have hit that person too, but are they stopping?" thought worked THAT time.
The best part? The medication I am on right now is supposed to help this. While it appears to be doing a very cheerful load of nothing. Extra fun part: I'm happy that a solid CBT technique of diverting your thoughts/think of how to deal with the worst-case scenario/etc. does very little for me. This is not the first time I've tried it in a high-anxiety/restless situation and had it fail fantastically. When I'm not as bad, it works, but when I need the most? Takes a smoke break.
Brains be stupid. Does anyone have some ideas? I've so far been very resistant to therapy; the most solid thing I've found for high anxiety is yoga, and I can't really do that in the middle of a highway/workplace.
Now I think I will go sleep as I've felt exhausted lately.
Tschuess.
At some point, this developed a compulsion, which is quite unusual for my OCD. I don't recall it really starting until I got a car on Cornell's campus and thus had TONS of pedestrians around. But I would feel the urge to retrace my route and check that all was well.
Of course, doing this wouldn't always go well, and sometimes I'd want to check again. But usually I could just go once, or not at all.
The compulsion is still around since moving to CA. And today it took a sudden turn toward severe/WTF.
I was being a bad driver and on my phone, trying to load the last bit of the Presidential debate to listen to. I was on a very familiar road, but was still startled when my car went over the large hill/bump it has. I go over this bump every day. I'm used to it. I know what it is. I throw my phone aside to focus, giving up on the debate since the highway is coming up.
OCD said it was a dead person, and so the anxiety began.
I told myself no. There's a car behind me first of all, so unless they hit them too, there's nothing there. This usually works to some extent, yet the anxiety was still around. So I said no, I'm not turning around, I'm on the highway, it'd be horribly inconvenient. Anxiety getting worse to the point of semi-poor focus. I said well fine, you know what? If a hit-and-run is reported and it's me, I'll just turn myself in, okay? Deal with the jail time whatever, but no, not turning back.
Anxiety still bad. I suppose thinking of jail time wasn't the smartest idea there.
And that's when I got off the highway, a few exits down from where I had come, got lost, and wasted 30 fucking minutes retracing my route.
When I finally got back to that intersection, I could see, of course, that there was nothing. Just as I knew. Just as I had told myself. Just as I had been berating myself in my mad turn around.
I wanted to fucking cry.
Somehow, that wasn't the end of the obsession. Sure, the anxiety had disappeared the INSTANT I pulled off the highway, though the self-deprecation replaced it. But apparently doing that had gotten me into a bizarre obsession spiral.
At one point, I went over a bump on the highway, and my brain told me I had just hit a car. No seriously. A bump turned into a WHOLE CAR. And I was like "Uh, fuck no, that's not something we can just TURN AROUND for, and what the fuck?"
And then once back in the city the typical "Bump in the road YOU KILLED SOMEONE" obsessions kicked back in. At least the "There's a car behind you, which means they must have hit that person too, but are they stopping?" thought worked THAT time.
The best part? The medication I am on right now is supposed to help this. While it appears to be doing a very cheerful load of nothing. Extra fun part: I'm happy that a solid CBT technique of diverting your thoughts/think of how to deal with the worst-case scenario/etc. does very little for me. This is not the first time I've tried it in a high-anxiety/restless situation and had it fail fantastically. When I'm not as bad, it works, but when I need the most? Takes a smoke break.
Brains be stupid. Does anyone have some ideas? I've so far been very resistant to therapy; the most solid thing I've found for high anxiety is yoga, and I can't really do that in the middle of a highway/workplace.
Now I think I will go sleep as I've felt exhausted lately.
Tschuess.
