The Tea Tree

Last night, I e-mailed the Chief Science Officer and Lab Director of my company, two of my superiors whom I work most closely with.

( TW for talk of anxiety, some suicidal ideation )

This I will have out in the open because just... Wow. The e-mail regarded panic attacks, if you skipped due to the TW. I expected them to disapprove.

Instead they both replied within 30 minutes even though it was 9PM (we're all workaholics at this place). The CSO replied within ten minutes of the e-mail.

Both of them had the exact same statement in their reply: "let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Both said it was no issue if I had to leave early or come in late. The CSO just told me to as a courtesy mention if I would be away for more than half a day.

I am almost tearing up at relating this because I had not expected this reaction. In my last job I was not promoted because someone mentioned they thought my meds may make me a bit unstable. So to have them reacting with such openness has me feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend to not be anxious and pretend everything was fine at work. If shit hit the fan, I could take some time to breathe.

And even better, when I went into work this morning? It wasn't like I had sent that e-mail at all. They treated me just as they always did.

I have almost never, EVER gotten this understanding of a reaction regarding my anxiety. Friends, family, even doctors have always reacted as if it isn't a big deal, as if I should control it, or get over it. So to get a reaction that is very "Okay. Let us know if we can help in any way." is... Like I said, eyes getting wet here.

I gave my presentation, and when I had stumbles or slips up, they just patiently waited. After it, the consulting lab director (not the one I e-mailed) told me I had done a great job.

And while I don't think I'm out of this anxiety storm, I feel like now, I can steer through it better. Because I don't have to pretend it isn't there out of fear for my job.

Maybe writing or something later. I just had to share this because... For me it's mind-blowing. I'm going to send them a thank you e-mail back and pretend I'm not nearly crying from gratitude.

Tschuess.

So, the insurance story ended with basically me e-mailing my company, them going "Oh shit, sorry, you were supposed to be a full-time employer on our HR system, not a contractor, ahahahaha!" and getting on their system. I applied for the insurance maybe two weeks ago or so.

THE CARDS ARE ALREADY IN THE MAIL. I AM COVERED. I CAN GET MY EYES CHECKED AND MY TEETH CLEANED AND MY UTERUS PUNCHED.

This has seriously made my weekend omg.

Oh also: drinking only white tea at night somehow has become pretty easy. My anxiety feels a BIT better, but I'm honestly not sure how much because I still get bursts and OCD symptoms. Bleh. Hopefully NP actually does something. Also now I can look into seeing a therapist because I still have a bucket load of issues that are preventing me from coming on here regularly or being social in general, so yeah.

Writing and food post later. Also, just so you know, I tend to read people's posts but not reply, so sorry for that. I'll try to be better.

Tschuess.