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breezeshadowLast night, I e-mailed the Chief Science Officer and Lab Director of my company, two of my superiors whom I work most closely with.
In it I told them I have panic attacks.
I had been throwing the idea around of sending such an e-mail, ever since I read in a self-help book that a guy told his boss about his anxiety giving presentations. Holy shit, I thought to myself. You can tell your employer that kind of thing and not get fired?
What caused me to do it was a build up in my symptoms. Last week I spend the first half in a 24+ hour panic spell, then the second half so exhausted that I remember almost nothing about what happened last week. And I mean nothing.
Then yesterday some part of me cracked. It had already been a bit fractured -- CA traffic was making me far more irritable than usual, to the point of driving semi-aggressive, which had me concerned. I was thinking that if it didn't get better, I may just have to ask to work from home to calm down.
Then Hari told me he was hanging out with friends. We hadn't talked consistently in days, and then I started crying at work. I was convinced I was being abandoned, and on top of that, I felt like I deserved it. Like I was so worthless at making friends, so terrible at even TRYING, that I deserved to be left behind by everyone. I tried holding back the tears, and a few escaped, and then I knew I had to get outside, before someone saw.
I spent maybe five to ten minutes in my car, fighting back tears, trying to compose myself. And then I went back in, still feeling miserable. And at one point I found myself thinking "I deserve to die, I would do everyone a favour... But no, no, who would take care of my poor cat then? To get her human and suddenly have her gone again? The poor cat."
It was that thought that kept me through the rest of the day. At some point, there, I was having such a severe panic attack that I thought I may have to go home -- get away from the stimulation, to some peace. I didn't, I didn't know how I could ask for that.
That night, I was on my work computer to prepare for my presentation this morning. And that's when I thought... At this point in time, they really deserved a heads up.
Because the panic attacks sometimes can't be fixed by medication. If I am tailgating because I am SO FRUSTRATED with people driving so stupidly, then maybe I shouldn't drive some days. And if I end up having so severe a panic attack at work that I end up incapacitated for a bit? They DEFINITELY deserve a heads up.
I explained to them that I have severe anxiety of an unspecified disorder (trying to make it a disorder turns it into at least three, which I didn't mention), and while it usually doesn't affect my work, lately I've been having more severe panic attacks more often than usual. I explained how I am in treatment for them and have methods for them, but if they are too severe, I can't do much more than just wait it out. And I mentioned that, though rarely, occasionally I may need to work from home or leave early, if that was allowed.
Of course, i expected they would not approve it.
This I will have out in the open because just... Wow. The e-mail regarded panic attacks, if you skipped due to the TW. I expected them to disapprove.
Instead they both replied within 30 minutes even though it was 9PM (we're all workaholics at this place). The CSO replied within ten minutes of the e-mail.
Both of them had the exact same statement in their reply: "let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Both said it was no issue if I had to leave early or come in late. The CSO just told me to as a courtesy mention if I would be away for more than half a day.
I am almost tearing up at relating this because I had not expected this reaction. In my last job I was not promoted because someone mentioned they thought my meds may make me a bit unstable. So to have them reacting with such openness has me feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend to not be anxious and pretend everything was fine at work. If shit hit the fan, I could take some time to breathe.
And even better, when I went into work this morning? It wasn't like I had sent that e-mail at all. They treated me just as they always did.
I have almost never, EVER gotten this understanding of a reaction regarding my anxiety. Friends, family, even doctors have always reacted as if it isn't a big deal, as if I should control it, or get over it. So to get a reaction that is very "Okay. Let us know if we can help in any way." is... Like I said, eyes getting wet here.
I gave my presentation, and when I had stumbles or slips up, they just patiently waited. After it, the consulting lab director (not the one I e-mailed) told me I had done a great job.
And while I don't think I'm out of this anxiety storm, I feel like now, I can steer through it better. Because I don't have to pretend it isn't there out of fear for my job.
Maybe writing or something later. I just had to share this because... For me it's mind-blowing. I'm going to send them a thank you e-mail back and pretend I'm not nearly crying from gratitude.
Tschuess.
In it I told them I have panic attacks.
I had been throwing the idea around of sending such an e-mail, ever since I read in a self-help book that a guy told his boss about his anxiety giving presentations. Holy shit, I thought to myself. You can tell your employer that kind of thing and not get fired?
What caused me to do it was a build up in my symptoms. Last week I spend the first half in a 24+ hour panic spell, then the second half so exhausted that I remember almost nothing about what happened last week. And I mean nothing.
Then yesterday some part of me cracked. It had already been a bit fractured -- CA traffic was making me far more irritable than usual, to the point of driving semi-aggressive, which had me concerned. I was thinking that if it didn't get better, I may just have to ask to work from home to calm down.
Then Hari told me he was hanging out with friends. We hadn't talked consistently in days, and then I started crying at work. I was convinced I was being abandoned, and on top of that, I felt like I deserved it. Like I was so worthless at making friends, so terrible at even TRYING, that I deserved to be left behind by everyone. I tried holding back the tears, and a few escaped, and then I knew I had to get outside, before someone saw.
I spent maybe five to ten minutes in my car, fighting back tears, trying to compose myself. And then I went back in, still feeling miserable. And at one point I found myself thinking "I deserve to die, I would do everyone a favour... But no, no, who would take care of my poor cat then? To get her human and suddenly have her gone again? The poor cat."
It was that thought that kept me through the rest of the day. At some point, there, I was having such a severe panic attack that I thought I may have to go home -- get away from the stimulation, to some peace. I didn't, I didn't know how I could ask for that.
That night, I was on my work computer to prepare for my presentation this morning. And that's when I thought... At this point in time, they really deserved a heads up.
Because the panic attacks sometimes can't be fixed by medication. If I am tailgating because I am SO FRUSTRATED with people driving so stupidly, then maybe I shouldn't drive some days. And if I end up having so severe a panic attack at work that I end up incapacitated for a bit? They DEFINITELY deserve a heads up.
I explained to them that I have severe anxiety of an unspecified disorder (trying to make it a disorder turns it into at least three, which I didn't mention), and while it usually doesn't affect my work, lately I've been having more severe panic attacks more often than usual. I explained how I am in treatment for them and have methods for them, but if they are too severe, I can't do much more than just wait it out. And I mentioned that, though rarely, occasionally I may need to work from home or leave early, if that was allowed.
Of course, i expected they would not approve it.
This I will have out in the open because just... Wow. The e-mail regarded panic attacks, if you skipped due to the TW. I expected them to disapprove.
Instead they both replied within 30 minutes even though it was 9PM (we're all workaholics at this place). The CSO replied within ten minutes of the e-mail.
Both of them had the exact same statement in their reply: "let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Both said it was no issue if I had to leave early or come in late. The CSO just told me to as a courtesy mention if I would be away for more than half a day.
I am almost tearing up at relating this because I had not expected this reaction. In my last job I was not promoted because someone mentioned they thought my meds may make me a bit unstable. So to have them reacting with such openness has me feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend to not be anxious and pretend everything was fine at work. If shit hit the fan, I could take some time to breathe.
And even better, when I went into work this morning? It wasn't like I had sent that e-mail at all. They treated me just as they always did.
I have almost never, EVER gotten this understanding of a reaction regarding my anxiety. Friends, family, even doctors have always reacted as if it isn't a big deal, as if I should control it, or get over it. So to get a reaction that is very "Okay. Let us know if we can help in any way." is... Like I said, eyes getting wet here.
I gave my presentation, and when I had stumbles or slips up, they just patiently waited. After it, the consulting lab director (not the one I e-mailed) told me I had done a great job.
And while I don't think I'm out of this anxiety storm, I feel like now, I can steer through it better. Because I don't have to pretend it isn't there out of fear for my job.
Maybe writing or something later. I just had to share this because... For me it's mind-blowing. I'm going to send them a thank you e-mail back and pretend I'm not nearly crying from gratitude.
Tschuess.
