(no subject)
Jul. 30th, 2012 11:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breezeshadowI have no idea what my shoulders and arms in general think they are doing, but this morning my elbow was hurting pretty badly, and my shoulder, and then continued to hurt for HOURS. It hurt to pick a small vial up, then put it back where I found it. Small motion, no big deal, hurt. Right now my shoulders hurt just from the sin of chilling on a couch. WTF, joints, I didn't even EXERCISE yesterday. Or Saturday unless you count lugging a 95lb box around (like pathetically dragging it kind of lugging) and lifting a 35lb one. WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE.
Yesterday I went to the San Francisco Zoo, my opinion of which is sort of two-faced. Some of the exhibits were nice, but a lot was left to be desired. I was especially displeased at, say, seeing a snow leopard able to wander an exhibit but then see its companion pacing in a cage way in the back, not quite out of sight. If you only have room for one snow leopard, you shouldn't have two. Also the pacing tigers and just sad-looking gorillas made me feel all guilty. I've been to better zoos before, but I know worse ones exist.
I also spent the entire walk with a T-shirt for the boyfriend in a bag around my left elbow, which apparently was traumatizing enough to (theoretical diagnosis) pinch a nerve and cause the pain mentioned above. Seriously, I got tingling in my fingers from time to time throughout the morning. This kind of weird is why I need health insurance.
Also my coworkers and I took the most ridiculous picture at the zoo in which I am seated upon a giant statue of a bear, one of my coworkers is grinning goofily on my left, and then just a general mass of people spraying out. A few of us look like we're not sure how we got there.
Then when we got back to a coworker's place they played... Beer pong. My interest in the evening petered out pretty quickly after that.
Also I may get my hours switched to the evening shift (11AM-7:30PM) which would be good since less traffic, and also staying up to like past 11PM like right now would be less traumatizing. My sleep schedule is naturally more toward 3AM-11AM, so this would work out much better. We'll see, I won't believe it's happening until it happens.
Speaking of that kind of doubt and negativity: holy catastrophizing, Batman. Today's was "Oh god I messed up in cleaning the machine MY COWORKER CLEARLY HATES ME LOOK AT HOW ANNOYED HE LOOKS." Followed by me being dumbfounded when he didn't even MENTION me making a mistake when talking to someone else about the machine. Also "My boyfriend is taking forever to respond to my IMs HE IS CLEARLY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES I AM BORING HIM AND HE IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION." Forever was like 30s for the record. Seriously. My time sense keeps borking out.
My boyfriend was really frustrated, then I explained that this type of Crazy has been around since, uh, high school ("My mother is kind of late in coming home... SHE WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND IS DEAD AND THEY FORGOT TO CALL.") and fuck if I have any clue how to calm it down. Even being aware/mindful of it in a "Hm, this probably isn't correct/it's only been 30s, not 30 minutes" way doesn't help; my brain charges ahead with its misperceptions without giving a single fuck. I think it's another one of those chemical misfires that just needs a dose of meds and therapy to calm down, because my basic therapeutic repertoire isn't touching it. Probably doesn't help that said repertoire was taught to me by the lovely professionals at Gannett.
Not entirely sure I have anything else to talk about right now. I applied for health insurance (again, first one didn't work out because of some stupid clause) and am supposed to hear back by the 10th so here's hoping it's approved. My vision insurance was approved today, so at least I can make sure I'm not slowly going blind (I worry about REALISTIC shit. Though I probably do need new glasses.)
Also looked up therapist and psychiatrist, found one of each that look hopeful, will search out once I get insurance. Also found dentist place. Eventually I'll look into someone for general shit but I'm way more concerned about my teeth and mental health right now.
But I should sleep since it's coming on 11:30PM and I need to be up at 7AM.
Tschuess.
Yesterday I went to the San Francisco Zoo, my opinion of which is sort of two-faced. Some of the exhibits were nice, but a lot was left to be desired. I was especially displeased at, say, seeing a snow leopard able to wander an exhibit but then see its companion pacing in a cage way in the back, not quite out of sight. If you only have room for one snow leopard, you shouldn't have two. Also the pacing tigers and just sad-looking gorillas made me feel all guilty. I've been to better zoos before, but I know worse ones exist.
I also spent the entire walk with a T-shirt for the boyfriend in a bag around my left elbow, which apparently was traumatizing enough to (theoretical diagnosis) pinch a nerve and cause the pain mentioned above. Seriously, I got tingling in my fingers from time to time throughout the morning. This kind of weird is why I need health insurance.
Also my coworkers and I took the most ridiculous picture at the zoo in which I am seated upon a giant statue of a bear, one of my coworkers is grinning goofily on my left, and then just a general mass of people spraying out. A few of us look like we're not sure how we got there.
Then when we got back to a coworker's place they played... Beer pong. My interest in the evening petered out pretty quickly after that.
Also I may get my hours switched to the evening shift (11AM-7:30PM) which would be good since less traffic, and also staying up to like past 11PM like right now would be less traumatizing. My sleep schedule is naturally more toward 3AM-11AM, so this would work out much better. We'll see, I won't believe it's happening until it happens.
Speaking of that kind of doubt and negativity: holy catastrophizing, Batman. Today's was "Oh god I messed up in cleaning the machine MY COWORKER CLEARLY HATES ME LOOK AT HOW ANNOYED HE LOOKS." Followed by me being dumbfounded when he didn't even MENTION me making a mistake when talking to someone else about the machine. Also "My boyfriend is taking forever to respond to my IMs HE IS CLEARLY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES I AM BORING HIM AND HE IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION." Forever was like 30s for the record. Seriously. My time sense keeps borking out.
My boyfriend was really frustrated, then I explained that this type of Crazy has been around since, uh, high school ("My mother is kind of late in coming home... SHE WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND IS DEAD AND THEY FORGOT TO CALL.") and fuck if I have any clue how to calm it down. Even being aware/mindful of it in a "Hm, this probably isn't correct/it's only been 30s, not 30 minutes" way doesn't help; my brain charges ahead with its misperceptions without giving a single fuck. I think it's another one of those chemical misfires that just needs a dose of meds and therapy to calm down, because my basic therapeutic repertoire isn't touching it. Probably doesn't help that said repertoire was taught to me by the lovely professionals at Gannett.
Not entirely sure I have anything else to talk about right now. I applied for health insurance (again, first one didn't work out because of some stupid clause) and am supposed to hear back by the 10th so here's hoping it's approved. My vision insurance was approved today, so at least I can make sure I'm not slowly going blind (I worry about REALISTIC shit. Though I probably do need new glasses.)
Also looked up therapist and psychiatrist, found one of each that look hopeful, will search out once I get insurance. Also found dentist place. Eventually I'll look into someone for general shit but I'm way more concerned about my teeth and mental health right now.
But I should sleep since it's coming on 11:30PM and I need to be up at 7AM.
Tschuess.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-31 04:03 pm (UTC)On the topic of 30 seconds has been forever: there is a juncture with symptoms that I am aware of that I choose not to share the anxiety with the target of it. If I know consciously that they aren’t the source of my discomfort, it doesn’t seem to help if I put it on them anyway.
I don’t agree with zoos on an ethical level, but I still go to them. It’s a complicated business. At the San Diego Zoo – which is known world-wide and etcetera – there’s a prairie dog exhibit that I can’t even look at because it upsets me too much. I don’t know why you would have a common animal in conditions that aren’t suited to it; they need – at least! – an exhibit like the meerkats, but I suppose they are not charming (uncommon?) enough for this.
And I identify far too closely with the animals who pace.
Given the success of their breeding programs, though… I can’t hate the place, and I value what they do for the comfort of many of their animals. On the shallow end, when I go there I get to see lots of reptiles and the babirusas (they have such pretty eyes).
Re: the San Francisco snow leopard, though, my understanding is that they often alternate what animal is out on exhibit; not ideal, perhaps, but I’d come close to guaranteeing that the one in the back has his/her time out in the larger area.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-31 10:29 pm (UTC)Also, I'm confused by what you mean by "choose not to share the anxiety". I don't choose my anxiety. I don't get to direct it, redirect it, cancel it, nothing. There is no "choosing" for me in what it does; it goes where it will. Sorry if I sound off-the-wall frustrated, I suppose I sort of am. I can't really help that losing track of time discomforts me, because I don't like that sense of "the world is not real, things are not happening as I am perceiving" and that can sometimes start an anxiety spell. The most I can do is just try to not react to it, do something else, etc. which tragically is harder for me than I'd like it to be (stubborn brain).
Ah, see, my issue IS that they have to alternate the animals. I was just watching it thinking that if you don't have enough room for two snow leopards, then you probably shouldn't have two. Also, I've heard very mixed things about breeding programs in zoos (some are good, some are just perpetuating captivity, etc.) so I'd be curious to know more about their breeding programs. I DO know they do some rescuing which is nice, though I wish said rescued birds weren't on a leash in public instead of in an exhibit where they could roam.
And yeah the insect house was sort of full of epic. A lot of their exhibits really were nice, I just wasn't too fond of the big cat set up, and also just didn't like gorillas being in a zoo on principle due to their intelligence and likely sentience, and those were the things I saw last so they left the most impression. *shrug* Other things like the lemur exhibit seemed just fine, so, to each their own.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-31 10:53 pm (UTC)I'm sorry that you read it as a comment on choosing the anxiety, rather than choosing how to express it to others.
*wistful* In my ideal world, human beings can interact noninvasively with wild animals – as viewers – and are content to limit their personal interaction and control to domestic ones.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-01 12:35 am (UTC)I tend to respond to people being frustrated at me about anxiety by thinking roughly "I am an AWFUL person, I SHOULD be able to control it, I'm just lazy and useless" which, you know, not even remotely helpful. I want a new brain for Christmas.
Can we both live in this ideal world? Because it sounds lovely.