(no subject)

[breezeshadow]

Time to babble about something weird.

So I don't really have that much interest in sex.

Like, maybe some sort of cursory interest, in a kind of "Oh hey! This is something people do! Interesting!" way. But in a "That's hot, I want to do that, I have the DRIVE" way? I think my description of a sexual drive just proved that one.

In high school my interest in sex amounted to finding people attractive and finding my body's reactions to that to be fairly awkward. I didn't ever feel the urge to relieve anything, existed in this bubble of knowing about sex as this thing people did in romance novels and health class. It wasn't that some stuff didn't turn me on, it's just it did so in such a small sense, never enough for me to explore it beyond in weird awkward ways, the way teenagers do (or maybe just teenage me?).

Sophomore year of college, I was basically forced into group therapy. And I got alienated by this one girl in particular for having NO sex drive. She couldn't understand it. What was funny was I didn't really get her either, but I don't think I said anything untoward toward her. I mean, I figured it was something people did. Casual sex? I tried not to judge. But she couldn't GET me, it was like I was an alien, something WRONG. It was pretty discomforting.

When I studied abroad, I happened into the kitchen during a conversation about how if you give a guy a blowjob, the least he could do is thank you. To which I said I thought blowjobs were kind of disgusting and I'd never give one. Oh man. The looks I got for that. One girl almost looked sympathetic, like "Poor dumb sophomore". Funny, now I'm a grad student and I STILL feel that way.

Junior year of collage I had my first real relationship. I had had one before then, with a guy who actually said he was attracted to a person's mind, which was cool and made way more sense to me, but I wasn't that interested and dumped him. Over Facebook because I'm classy. But this guy I was actually fairly interested in, if only because everyone said we SHOULD be dating. The thing is? He's a bit of a sex addict. A deprived sex addict. And my friend was pretty sure he started dating me to get into my pants.

Yeah he never even got a handjob. He saw me almost naked once. But the fact that I had HAIR down there -- the concept of shaving it never occurred to me -- grossed him out, and he called my boobs tiny, and my opinion of other people's genitals was very much "WHAT IS THAT AND DO I HAVE TO TOUCH IT", less so now.

He sort of felt me up once, got a sort of half-orgasm out of me. It was weird and awkward, I don't know what I thought of it then, but I do know pretty early in the relationship I got SICK OF THE TOUCHING. I wanted cuddles, and warmth, and love, and not this constant rubbing and poking, but I didn't know how to make that clear.

Apparently he wanted to break up with me pretty early, but dragged it on, and then did so. And it crushed me emotionally. One thing the relationship did do, though, was awaken my sex drive... Sort of.

One year later, I bought my first toy. On a whim, when I woke up one morning kind of horny. It felt like some sort of thing you don't do, but hell, that's what Amazon is for. My exploration into the toy field has gotten a bit more extensive, but my sex drive still is somewhere... Low. Like, "once every few weeks I need release" low. And even then it's not a full release, because I just suck at this, apparently.

And then the same summer I met my current boyfriend. I found him charming, very flirtatious, and also very interesting. I also found him to be "kind of cute" (which ranks pretty up there on the Brittany Attractiveness Scale, in which 99.9% of the world does not even register). And somehow we ended up dating. Which put me straight back into the weird world of sex.

There are things I've noticed: I'm very adaptable. This is perhaps because I don't have a particular interest in anything. Biting? Eh. D/s? Eh. Boobs? Eh. (I know, a crime). I know I don't like pain, but that's about the extent of it. As for doing things to other people? Giant pile of eh. Touching other people's junk still feels very WEIRD to me, with my most common reaction to it being "Huh. It's warm." Looking at them is even odder for me. My general thought is "It looks WEIRD." Pictures generate the same reaction.

I simply am not, as a general rule, turned on by people's junk. To me it's just there. A sexual organ. That's its function but not something that registers in me as, I don't know, sexy? A turn on?

My boyfriend, on the other hand, knows what he likes, likes it very much, and his sex drive is a Burmese mountain dog where mine is a chihuahua. Which means he likes pictures, touching, sexting, all of that stuff. I send him pictures, though I often feel awkward and just have difficulties smiling in them. And I have learned to enjoy the sexting a lot. And touching I am okay with.

But we've both noticed some things.

For one thing I've never fantasized about having sex with a total stranger. In fact the concept strikes me as weird. You don't know the person! How can you imagine SEX with them? When I see someone I Find "attractive" I generally go "So pretty. So pretty." and then move on with my day.

Sexually pleasing someone else? Awkward. I just asked my boyfriend what he wanted. And tried not to pay too much attention to what I was doing, exactly. I basically went into "Must do this right" mode, and then afterwards was sure I didn't. Despite assurances to the contrary.

To me being pleased? Very much okay with it. Enjoy it. But at the same time though I want it, there's a part of me that, when I'm at my most anxious and upset, doesn't want it. I want cuddles. Hugs. Love. I don't want to be touched.

And as to actual sex? I want to lose my virginity because I think everyone else already has. I want to lose that label. I want to join the rest of the world and not be a weird outsider. Also I'm a bit curious what it's like. But otherwise? There's no drive going "I NEED THIS NOW". More of a "Man I bet everyone else has already had it, I'm a loser".

Other ways I don't notice sex? My novel. My friend pointed out how she thought it weird that my characters were celibate and my reaction was roughly "Who said they were celibate? It's just not important to the story." HEre's the truth: I never even considered it at all. Sex in my novel? Why?

I used to try to imagine my perfect partner and couldn't. If I imagined people having sex, it was always OTHERS, not me with some perfect stranger. Strangers don't interest me on that level.

People I know emotionally? I'll get the urge to kiss people I'm not even interested in. It's like the second I form a friendship with someone, THEN my brain goes "OMG SOUL MATE HI!" I need that connection, that bond, with anyone of either gender or none, or my body doesn't even register.

So all you people who admire strangers and go "Mmm, I'd tap that". I don't get you. And I'm sure you don't get me.

I've had maybe three crushes in my life. Only one of them really involved a want for a relationship. The other two? I was in second grade for one, and the other was with a teacher and involved wanting to be her friend. I form friend crushes.

And the longer I think about it, the more I go "Huh. This is kind of odd." But there's also this sort of terror associated with it. Saying you are bisexual gets enough confusion.

Saying I'm asexual? Admitting it? Thinking it may be real? Terrifies me. I'm convinced I'll lose my boyfriend, be Forever Alone, shunned, hated. I can't imagine telling my parents. My mother barely gets bisexuality.

It's this sort of thing where I want to say "bisexual" but with a hella-low sex drive. Biromantic? Is that a thing?

So it's all sort of weird and awkward and I don't know. The good news is? Hari's 100% supportive. I think it's this love thing he talks about. My ex-boyfriend? I think he's confused.

He can join the rest of us.

So that's about it. Comment away?

Comments

[raze]

I will say first and foremost that asexuality is certainly a valid orientation, and does not mean a life without love and companionship. Is it certainly something less common, and perhaps more difficult for others to understand? Yeah, unfortunately so - but awareness is spreading, and people feeling the same way you are - weird, alientated, frightened - are "coming out."

This being said: my sex drive has been all over the map as an adult.

As a teen, I engaged in a high level of sexual activity while being disinterested in and grossed out by sex. The same feelings you're describing, "huh, genitals, a sexual organ... don't really want much to do with that" dominated a five year sexual relationship and another one year one after that, I'd say to my detriment psychologically. It was always a matter of turning something off, tuning out, getting the job done, and feeling mostly anxious and dirty afterwards. Consequently I have a lot of negative thoughts and emotions surrounding sex, and often have panic episodes during.

I did not even start masturbating until years after I started having sex, oddly enough, and even to this day I am mostly squicked by the thought of touching my own genitals or even using toys on them (thank god for detachable shower heads).

This being said: when I was on meds, and they were working, and I was at my best psychologically? Tada! I suddenly had a sex drive. Quite a sex drive. Slept with a guy I'd been after for ages, entered another relationship that involved quite a lot of sex, and was full of that swinging for the fences enthusiasm all the while. Now on a mental health downswing, I'll go through periods of intense drive and wanting sex daily, through weeks where there mere thought of sex is repugnant and anxiety-producing.

From the get go, regardless of my own vascilitating personal drive, I have found other people attractive, have had a tremendous interest in human sexuality, have a clear sense of what kinks appeal to me, and have written sexual content - I simply find that I like sex more in my mind than I do in practice, if that makes sense.

I recently had to adjust my self-definition "bisexual" to "pansexual" because it seems more accurate, but then I go through stretches of months at a time where my interest could best be described as "asexual aromantic." There's certainly days I'm unquestionably a straight man and others when I'm a polyamorous bisexual woman and others still when I'm pretty sure I'm not even human so why would I find any of this species attractive. I'm settled, I think, on calling myself "a sexual" - as in, a sexual being, but nothing consistent enough to stick a pin in beyond that.

Where I'm going with this is: human sexuality can be very, very complicated. It is further complicated by mental illness. So while I hope you continue to explore whan you're comfortable with, I also hope you realize that whatever you are is okay, and that you don't need to stick a label on it nor adhere strictly to the definitions surrounding a given label. Right now you have a partner who seems to be understanding and supportive, and hopefully that will go a long way towards getting things sorted.

[breezeshadow]

Interesting! My sex drive has mostly followed this linear curve of slowly increasing -- but still never to any sort of amount that I would consider the norm. Your point about medication makes me wonder if that could be causing a bit of it -- I do have pretty severe anxiety regarding abandonment, sex, etc, so it's possible that a lot of my asexuality comes from spending a lot of my time in terror. I sense it is not the full story, though, as even when I'm on meds that DO help relieve some of my anxiety, my sex drive does not increase appreciably.

I think sexuality in general tends to follow some sort of cycle, so you having stretches when you're more interested than others to me just sounds like the norm. Interesting that it cycles between so many options, though! My brain is kind of convinced that everyone exists in this sort of baseline stasis, so hearing that you vary a lot is fascinating.

And yeah. I'm not even sure WHAT label I'd give myself. Demisexual apparently has some nasty connotations associated with it, asexual isn't quite right, bisexual isn't quite right either... I plan to stick with bisexual just for societal norms sake, but I do think biromantic is more accurate.

[raze]

If it's any help, I'm probably all over the map at least in part due to my diagnosis as borderline personality disorder. My sense of identity - not just my sexuality - is so incredibly fluid and mixed up it isn't even funny. It's not that I don't have a sense of self - it's usually fucking concrete at any given moment. The problem is that it can change on a dime from one moment to the next, which is why it's so hard for me to ever say, "I am x, y, or z."

[smw]

I am sorry that I have never outright said this to you, but: to me, all variations in the human sexual scheme are essentially good, regardless of the sex drive (or acts) involved. If you wanted to spend your life cuddling and kissing and not engaging in genital contact? I would want that for you. In fact, it makes me sad that you have felt compelled to participate in sexual activity that has made you uncomfortable.

Biromantic? Totally a thing.

Since we seem to be sharing personal details of sexuality, and mostly I do not go into the topic other than to joke about having a high sex drive, nigh-universal attraction to the human species, and wide range of kinks, I'll talk for a while on the topic.

As you know, I'm virginal in the cooperative sense, but I've been masturbating since before I had an understanding of what I was doing (or even knew what sex was, or how sexual organs developed at puberty -- I am STILL disappointed that I did not grow a penis, y'all). I like touching my own body both in the sexual and nonsexual sense. I have pretty severe difficulty accepting extended physical contact from others, but I crave tactile sensations, so sometimes just rubbing the tips of my fingers together is soothing and pleasurable in the nonerotic sense. Erotic contact is, heh, a bit more fun.

Related to which: my sexual drive is largely autoerotic. The thought of being by myself? Frequently sexier than the idea of participation. Likewise, a good deal of my inclination towards polyamory is a desire to be an observer rather than a participant in sexual acts.

I have never had a romantic or sexual crush on someone I knew, and the idea of kissing pretty much anyone? Not appealing at all. There are times when I see a stranger, though, and I think "I bet you're beautiful with your clothes off. I bet you'd be lovely to touch."

I don't know if I've ever said this to you, but: my ideal relationship would be a lifepartner who is asexual and is okay with my being promiscuous outside of our relationship. But I would know I could always come home to that person and settle down with them, cuddling, and not have to worry that they would initiate something I didn't (couldn't) want in that moment.

So, heh. What is that? Pansexual stone-cold butch with a side of sexual egoist and asexual romantic?

[breezeshadow]

Awww, thanks for the kind words.

Hmm. As I told Ren as well, interesting! For some reason, even though I don't even exist this way, my brain seems to think that people's sexuality exists in this sort of steady stasis -- sure it may cycle a bit, but people stay consistently bisexual, or homosexual, etc. So hearing other people's perspectives helps me get a better light on the subject.

For instance, from your jokes and remarks, I sort of assumed that you were just a very sexual being in general, and very much a participant -- I didn't realize you were more autoerotic. I also very it interesting since I am very much the opposite -- watching other people even make out makes me extremely uncomfortable, let alone more sexual acts.

I also didn't realize you never had any sort of crushes or desire to kiss anyone. Interesting. While for me the idea of touching someone is much more awkward and "no thanks".

Hmmm. I'm not sure who my ideal lifepartner would be, but probably someone who, while interested in doing some things to me, would have MUCH less interest in having me play with them. Also who was fairly solidly monogamous, because I have no problems with polyamory or polygamy, I have too severe of trust issues to want to put it into practice. But I also think my current boyfriend is just fine.

As for what that is... I'd say pansexual romantic maybe? I don't know. *chuckle*

[smw]

*laugh* Oh, man, if there's one thing I'm certain sexuality isn't, it's static. I mean, everything I've said here is true, but tomorrow it might not be, right?