Crash

[breezeshadow]

My brain has crashed and burned. It started when my lab advisor told me to not use my phone during lab meetings, that this was the second time she had to warn me, third time I'd be out. I KNEW I was on the thing too damn much, I couldn't even say why, but I apologized profusely and explained I was tired and couldn't focus well (she told me to get some coffee; overall she was pretty calm about the whole thing), but it wouldn't happen again.

And from there on out came the explosion of self-hatred, beating myself up, being convinced I'm worthless and undeserving of basic things like food, wanting to just sleep but deciding that I couldn't do that because it'd be lazy, and now a day punctuated by a lack of productivity, and random moments of feeling weepy/teary when I'm not just feeling panicky.

Wajas has kept me sane because it's holding a silly event that lets my cares melt away, but it does not let me get work done.

This morning I saw the whole thing about Purple Hearts Rescue and the shit-show there and almost cried. I thought about my boyfriend when on Wajas and almost cried. At the same time thinking about him makes me panic because I was tweeting at him during lab meeting.

I'm not sure I'm even sane enough for LARP but going out would be better than slowly crumbling in on myself if I stay in.

I hate bad brain days, guys. Especially when I'm supposedly on meds that should help them.

Comments

[smw]

I'm so sorry that your mental state has declined even further. I wish I could come over and make you some hot chocolate and comfort food and talk writing until your brain settled down. Failing that, it does sound as if getting out would be the best choice, though obviously you know best.