Mmm, Punchings
Jan. 8th, 2012 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breezeshadowIn an unusual turn of events, I feel really anxious for company right now -- not lonely, as is common with me, but instead just a kind of unease that says "I need a human. I need a human to talk to."
Also you know you have problems when you think to yourself "I wish I had mania so I could be productive." It doesn't work that way, brain.
So here, readers: have an excerpt from Abandoned Gardens in which Rose May's life goes to shit.
"Excuse me."
She jumped at the man's words; she had not heard or seen him coming. He was a relatively large man, but his voice was polite, if a little strained.
"Sorry." Rose May smiled.
"It's fine. Are you Rose May Pursa?"
Rose May nodded. "Yes. May I--?"
The punch came out of no where, and so her dodge was not nearly fast enough; the man's fist slammed into her cheek, just beside her nose, and her head cracked back against the wall. Rose May dropped her mug and it shattered on the stone, soaking her shoes in lukewarm tea. Head spinning and eyes watering, she staggered forward, then groaned and collapsed against the wall when the man's fist hit her stomach. Sinking downward, she held up her arms to protect her neck and face, trying to regain her balance and not lose her breakfast in the mean time.
Worry exploded into her mind, and she heard an angry yell before she saw something launch at the man and he fell out of her blurry view. Wiping away tears, Rose May blinked a few times, relieved that her eyes were focusing, and winced as she tried to stand up straighter. Clutching at her stomach and feeling blood on her lips -- it may have come from her nose, but she could not tell through the mass of pain -- she glanced over at where the man had fallen.
She was not sure what to make of Nur, fangs bared and fur bristled from head to tail, clawing at the man's face as he tried to punch and kick at her. The man's movements became sloppier as Nur's claws dug into his hands and wrists, until eventually his fingers slackened and Rose May saw horror clear in his face. Then, without warning, the man was thrown, Nur yelping in surprise as she jumped off of his body, wings snapping open to help control her fall. The man slammed hard into the ground with a few rough cracks, then suddenly was lifted again.
Nur hit the ground lightly and spun, wings snapping back as she snarled, eyes focused to Rose May's right. "I had him down!"
The man fell to the ground with a heavy thud, groaning and moving his arms to his chest, hands twitching as he tried to clench them. Heart pounding, Rose May turned and watched as Mahli approached Nur without any trace of a limp, eyes cold.
"I was taking care of him!" Nur's voice was full of fury and pain, her front claws red and leaving marks on the stone as she swung a hand in Mahli's direction.
"He hurt Rose May." Mahli spoke icily and did not even wince at Nur's feint.
"No shit, and I was handling it!"
"What is going on here?" The accented voice cut through the argument; Nur jumped backward at least five feet with surprise, wings unfurling, while Mahli stiffened and backed up. Rose May looked over to see Batuuli standing with her arms crossed and eyebrows lifted. "Is this normal Welen custom?"
"What happened?" It was Eric, racing over with four guards as back-up, hands on their guns.
"I do not know. We heard shouting and thuds outside the meeting room and my father asked me to look into it." Batuuli shrugged. "You are police? Then I leave you to your job. But do knock if you need help." The Eramen smirked and patted the sword on her back before turning and leaving.
"We're going to need a medic." Rose May had not even noticed the guard's approach; Batuuli had taken up all of her attention. "Broken bones here and she's guarding her stomach."
"I don't think this guy has any unbroken ribs. And his hands are completely paralyzed."
"It'll wear off." Nur did not seem to care especially whether it did or not.
"What the hell happened?" Eric was aghast this time; Rose May tried to focus on him but her eyes apparently did not find focusing worthwhile anymore.
"Punch." She realized that word had multiple meanings, and tried again. "Attack. Punch."
"He attacked her. I threw him off of her and then Mahli interfered." Nur sounded far away; Rose May wondered if she had teleported somewhere.
She meant to ask her, maybe figure out if she could go too. But the world suddenly slipped away from her, and she decided it was better to follow it.
Also you know you have problems when you think to yourself "I wish I had mania so I could be productive." It doesn't work that way, brain.
So here, readers: have an excerpt from Abandoned Gardens in which Rose May's life goes to shit.
"Excuse me."
She jumped at the man's words; she had not heard or seen him coming. He was a relatively large man, but his voice was polite, if a little strained.
"Sorry." Rose May smiled.
"It's fine. Are you Rose May Pursa?"
Rose May nodded. "Yes. May I--?"
The punch came out of no where, and so her dodge was not nearly fast enough; the man's fist slammed into her cheek, just beside her nose, and her head cracked back against the wall. Rose May dropped her mug and it shattered on the stone, soaking her shoes in lukewarm tea. Head spinning and eyes watering, she staggered forward, then groaned and collapsed against the wall when the man's fist hit her stomach. Sinking downward, she held up her arms to protect her neck and face, trying to regain her balance and not lose her breakfast in the mean time.
Worry exploded into her mind, and she heard an angry yell before she saw something launch at the man and he fell out of her blurry view. Wiping away tears, Rose May blinked a few times, relieved that her eyes were focusing, and winced as she tried to stand up straighter. Clutching at her stomach and feeling blood on her lips -- it may have come from her nose, but she could not tell through the mass of pain -- she glanced over at where the man had fallen.
She was not sure what to make of Nur, fangs bared and fur bristled from head to tail, clawing at the man's face as he tried to punch and kick at her. The man's movements became sloppier as Nur's claws dug into his hands and wrists, until eventually his fingers slackened and Rose May saw horror clear in his face. Then, without warning, the man was thrown, Nur yelping in surprise as she jumped off of his body, wings snapping open to help control her fall. The man slammed hard into the ground with a few rough cracks, then suddenly was lifted again.
Nur hit the ground lightly and spun, wings snapping back as she snarled, eyes focused to Rose May's right. "I had him down!"
The man fell to the ground with a heavy thud, groaning and moving his arms to his chest, hands twitching as he tried to clench them. Heart pounding, Rose May turned and watched as Mahli approached Nur without any trace of a limp, eyes cold.
"I was taking care of him!" Nur's voice was full of fury and pain, her front claws red and leaving marks on the stone as she swung a hand in Mahli's direction.
"He hurt Rose May." Mahli spoke icily and did not even wince at Nur's feint.
"No shit, and I was handling it!"
"What is going on here?" The accented voice cut through the argument; Nur jumped backward at least five feet with surprise, wings unfurling, while Mahli stiffened and backed up. Rose May looked over to see Batuuli standing with her arms crossed and eyebrows lifted. "Is this normal Welen custom?"
"What happened?" It was Eric, racing over with four guards as back-up, hands on their guns.
"I do not know. We heard shouting and thuds outside the meeting room and my father asked me to look into it." Batuuli shrugged. "You are police? Then I leave you to your job. But do knock if you need help." The Eramen smirked and patted the sword on her back before turning and leaving.
"We're going to need a medic." Rose May had not even noticed the guard's approach; Batuuli had taken up all of her attention. "Broken bones here and she's guarding her stomach."
"I don't think this guy has any unbroken ribs. And his hands are completely paralyzed."
"It'll wear off." Nur did not seem to care especially whether it did or not.
"What the hell happened?" Eric was aghast this time; Rose May tried to focus on him but her eyes apparently did not find focusing worthwhile anymore.
"Punch." She realized that word had multiple meanings, and tried again. "Attack. Punch."
"He attacked her. I threw him off of her and then Mahli interfered." Nur sounded far away; Rose May wondered if she had teleported somewhere.
She meant to ask her, maybe figure out if she could go too. But the world suddenly slipped away from her, and she decided it was better to follow it.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 03:33 pm (UTC)Also: so much violence! I'm sure this is going to startle readers after bopping happily along through the psychological and political intrigues. One thing, though: falling unconscious does not work quite like that. It's kind of a cheap segue, too -- does she really need to conk out at the end of this scene?
no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 11:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 11:03 pm (UTC)Things I liked:
- I'm digging the absolutely savage protectiveness of Nur - creates a really nice mental image as well as reinforcing the friendship between the duo. Anybody's friend will smile and joke with them; only really excellent friends will claw the living shit out of an assailant for you XD The vampire venom making his hands all wonky was a lovely touch, btw.
- Batuuli cracks me up with her blase attitude towards the violence, and semi-condescending offer to help out if need be.
- This is a minor detail but: her eyes are watering from being punched in the face. That so happens in real life, and it so rarely happens in novels. This delighted me.
ConCrit:
- I think this scene would have more momentum if a few spots where things were a bit passive were (slightly) reworded. For example, here:
he tried to punch and kick at her.
If something is clawing your face and arms apart, you definitely don't punch and kick at them; you punch and kick them! The "tried" is enough of an indicator that he isn't landing the blows that the 'at' isn't required, and it makes things more active.
- A few minor word repetition errors, but I'd say I'm a big 'ol pot to call you on it, given how often I do this myself. Just something to watch for when you're doing your editing/revision :)
So happy to see you posting again - and posting glorious AG, no less. Keep it up!