Mmmm, mind control
Oct. 17th, 2011 01:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breezeshadow The meat on the bone suddenly smelled far more tantalizing; but even as her mouth watered, Kaki bared her teeth, her wings swinging down so the claws were facing the healer. "I want my CHILD--"
"And the League feels such a search would be fruitless." The closed hand shifted slightly, something within her fist being readjusted.
And then, just as Kaki sent her wings in a feint blow toward the healer, did she realize what was wrong. The healer wasn't scared; she had nothing but fatigue, a professionally blank mind, nothing that Kaki could latch onto and spread, seeding the nightmares Kaki needed to distract her and thus let her escape.
Then something jabbed her shoulder, and ice cold flowed up her arm, toward her heart, then out...
She knew that feeling. All succubi did, after they came of age, and were given their insignia. She could still remember trembling before her matron as she explained what the substance did, how it would feel, how she would be conscious during everything but like she was in a dream, sluggish and under forces not of her own...
"You daemon!" This time as she swung her wings it was a purposeful attack, hoping to send the claw ripping into the other succubus. But the healer deftly dodged her, scrambling back and sweeping her wings out of harms' reach, throwing the silver needle aside. And then finally Kaki could feel her mind: apologetic, but not guilty.
"I am following orders, Kaki." Already the healer's voice sounded too loud in Kaki's head, reverberating. She could feel her own thoughts becoming sluggish and strange, unimportant, not her own. "They want you to get better. And then they want to talk to you. Kaki. Eat."
She could not ignore the command; it was so powerful in her head that it became her own thought, her own desire; Kaki begged her body to move and rip apart that healer, that traitor, but instead she was pulling her wings back, picking up the bone, and ripping into the meat. It tasted more delicious than it ever should, making just want to eat more, rip apart the bone, get the marrow within...
And in the back of her mind, she screamed, tried to get her body to at least stop eating food which was not to be hers... But soon the meal was completed, and she looked back up at the healer, who had brought over a bowl of water, and a thick wool blanket, setting both in front of her.
This time there was no physical command; she drank the water while barely wanting to, and wrapped the blanket around her, fitting her wings through the holes so she could wrap them around it, pushing the fabric close to her frail body.
"I will bring over more food later. If I give you too much you will become ill." The healer knelt down beside her, taking her face and looking into her eyes quickly, not long enough to be a challenge. "You need real sleep, Kaki. The serum will only be lasting a few hours. When you wake up, please cooperate. I do not want to use it again."
Her head felt heavy, suddenly, the urge to sleep sweeping through her mind. And as Kaki curled up, pulling the blanket over her eyes with one claw, she tried to curse the healer, to tell her no she would do nothing, nothing but find her child...
But she slept before she could even bare one fang.
So much horrible stuff happens in this story. So. Much.
From the short story I am considering publishing.
"And the League feels such a search would be fruitless." The closed hand shifted slightly, something within her fist being readjusted.
And then, just as Kaki sent her wings in a feint blow toward the healer, did she realize what was wrong. The healer wasn't scared; she had nothing but fatigue, a professionally blank mind, nothing that Kaki could latch onto and spread, seeding the nightmares Kaki needed to distract her and thus let her escape.
Then something jabbed her shoulder, and ice cold flowed up her arm, toward her heart, then out...
She knew that feeling. All succubi did, after they came of age, and were given their insignia. She could still remember trembling before her matron as she explained what the substance did, how it would feel, how she would be conscious during everything but like she was in a dream, sluggish and under forces not of her own...
"You daemon!" This time as she swung her wings it was a purposeful attack, hoping to send the claw ripping into the other succubus. But the healer deftly dodged her, scrambling back and sweeping her wings out of harms' reach, throwing the silver needle aside. And then finally Kaki could feel her mind: apologetic, but not guilty.
"I am following orders, Kaki." Already the healer's voice sounded too loud in Kaki's head, reverberating. She could feel her own thoughts becoming sluggish and strange, unimportant, not her own. "They want you to get better. And then they want to talk to you. Kaki. Eat."
She could not ignore the command; it was so powerful in her head that it became her own thought, her own desire; Kaki begged her body to move and rip apart that healer, that traitor, but instead she was pulling her wings back, picking up the bone, and ripping into the meat. It tasted more delicious than it ever should, making just want to eat more, rip apart the bone, get the marrow within...
And in the back of her mind, she screamed, tried to get her body to at least stop eating food which was not to be hers... But soon the meal was completed, and she looked back up at the healer, who had brought over a bowl of water, and a thick wool blanket, setting both in front of her.
This time there was no physical command; she drank the water while barely wanting to, and wrapped the blanket around her, fitting her wings through the holes so she could wrap them around it, pushing the fabric close to her frail body.
"I will bring over more food later. If I give you too much you will become ill." The healer knelt down beside her, taking her face and looking into her eyes quickly, not long enough to be a challenge. "You need real sleep, Kaki. The serum will only be lasting a few hours. When you wake up, please cooperate. I do not want to use it again."
Her head felt heavy, suddenly, the urge to sleep sweeping through her mind. And as Kaki curled up, pulling the blanket over her eyes with one claw, she tried to curse the healer, to tell her no she would do nothing, nothing but find her child...
But she slept before she could even bare one fang.
So much horrible stuff happens in this story. So. Much.
From the short story I am considering publishing.
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Date: 2011-10-17 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 03:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 12:45 pm (UTC)As you know from my feedback on the other bits of this you showed me over IM: I much approve of this store line. While this scene is in no way gory or overtly violent, I find something deeply horrific about losing control of one's actions - so the mother's desperation to find her daughter but physical inability to tend to any needs but her own struck an effective chord. Most people, I think, fear a loss of free will; I think audiences will be touched by this scene even if the characters and circumstances are "alien."
Things I especially liked: the ending, where she's thinking all of these awful, defiant thoughts at the healer while simultaneously being compelled to curl up in a blanket. Losing that struggle: ouch. Well done.
Since you are considering publishing, I will offer one bit of con-crit: when you are proofing, watch out for descriptive word repetition. I notice this sort of thing big-time because I am HORRIBLE about doing it myself. The scene of her eating the meat against her will is a powerful one, but it is somewhat weakened by repeated use of rip/ripping (which appears three times).
That aside: keep up the good work. I eagerly await more of this.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 12:46 pm (UTC)