Sometimes, I Forget
Jan. 23rd, 2013 08:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breezeshadowSometimes, I forget.
Sometimes, I forget that I'm not normal. My brain isn't normal. It isn't functioning in the way it is supposed to.
And so sometimes these cycles come along -- and I find myself horribly anxious, restless, panicky, paranoid. Telling the supervisor about alcoholic chocolates, out of a worry that people were eating them on-shift, turns into "They hate me now, and I am going to get disciplined for being such a snitch and an idiot." Minor fretting explodes into panic attacks.
At the end of the day, I feel confused when I just feel like crying. There is nothing to cry about, I tell myself as I leave the office. What the hell, man.
Because I forget.
I have an anxiety disorder so impressive, the NP doesn't give it an official diagnosis. Because it's too all over the spectrum. It's just too LARGE.
I show signs of generalized anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, OCD...
Yet Monday night, when I could not sleep due to anxiety and restlessness, I didn't want to take the Ativan. I shouldn't NEED the Ativan, I told myself, taking natural sleeping tablets and trying to play music to soothe me. I didn't fall asleep until past 1:30AM, and then woke up at 6:45AM, unable to fall back to sleep. I had to take TWO Ativan that day, my mind was in such a spiral.
Because I forgot. I forgot that the medication isn't there because I'm a loser, a failure, needing a pill to get through some days and nights because I suck. I forget that I don't need to be independent on the meds, unable to need them, ABOVE them.
The fact of the matter is... Something in my brain isn't wired correctly. All of the CBT and yoga and deep relaxation can't fix something that is broken internally. I've had anxiety issues since I was young. This medication is the first thing to offer such fast, IMPRESSIVE relief. It's like the panic floats off of my shoulders, and I'm left breathing more deeply, mind slowed down.
And that can only happen if I take it when I need it. Because it is a need. It's a crutch for a broken mind. It's not some cheat, something I should be better than.
And I need to remember that.
Sometimes, I forget that I'm not normal. My brain isn't normal. It isn't functioning in the way it is supposed to.
And so sometimes these cycles come along -- and I find myself horribly anxious, restless, panicky, paranoid. Telling the supervisor about alcoholic chocolates, out of a worry that people were eating them on-shift, turns into "They hate me now, and I am going to get disciplined for being such a snitch and an idiot." Minor fretting explodes into panic attacks.
At the end of the day, I feel confused when I just feel like crying. There is nothing to cry about, I tell myself as I leave the office. What the hell, man.
Because I forget.
I have an anxiety disorder so impressive, the NP doesn't give it an official diagnosis. Because it's too all over the spectrum. It's just too LARGE.
I show signs of generalized anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, OCD...
Yet Monday night, when I could not sleep due to anxiety and restlessness, I didn't want to take the Ativan. I shouldn't NEED the Ativan, I told myself, taking natural sleeping tablets and trying to play music to soothe me. I didn't fall asleep until past 1:30AM, and then woke up at 6:45AM, unable to fall back to sleep. I had to take TWO Ativan that day, my mind was in such a spiral.
Because I forgot. I forgot that the medication isn't there because I'm a loser, a failure, needing a pill to get through some days and nights because I suck. I forget that I don't need to be independent on the meds, unable to need them, ABOVE them.
The fact of the matter is... Something in my brain isn't wired correctly. All of the CBT and yoga and deep relaxation can't fix something that is broken internally. I've had anxiety issues since I was young. This medication is the first thing to offer such fast, IMPRESSIVE relief. It's like the panic floats off of my shoulders, and I'm left breathing more deeply, mind slowed down.
And that can only happen if I take it when I need it. Because it is a need. It's a crutch for a broken mind. It's not some cheat, something I should be better than.
And I need to remember that.
