I know you posted this to write_good approximately forever ago - I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to it!
This is really interesting, and absolutely packed with information about the world you've created. I thought that the introduction, through the hunt section, and into Lutfi treating Nur following that, was a really good balance of action and exposition, but then it turns out that I made it about halfway through the piece before realizing that your vampires are quadripeds, and by choice communicate entirely telepathically (or mostly telepathically with nonverbal sounds for emphasis?), and then later that they have wings and an oral language after all. So maybe it needed some different facts about your setting up front :)
For example, I think the paragraph leading to "The Night of the Moon did not call for the same old boring food" is really excellent in describing their community in general and the importance of the event you've chosen to tell this story through. I also really liked the emphasis of Fidda's choice to speak out loud, but it was disconcerting to me as a reader to be trying to create an image of the characters and have it be so thoroughly wrong twice in one piece.
Of course, that's me assuming what I was intended to know, and when, but I didn't get the sense from the rest of the text that I was supposed to be surprised.
I also thought that Nur and Lutfi's relationship and their contrasts were beautifully written. That's a lovely realization that Nur has at the end, that still (and maybe even cautious) needn't be boring.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2012-12-23 04:44 am (UTC)This is really interesting, and absolutely packed with information about the world you've created. I thought that the introduction, through the hunt section, and into Lutfi treating Nur following that, was a really good balance of action and exposition, but then it turns out that I made it about halfway through the piece before realizing that your vampires are quadripeds, and by choice communicate entirely telepathically (or mostly telepathically with nonverbal sounds for emphasis?), and then later that they have wings and an oral language after all. So maybe it needed some different facts about your setting up front :)
For example, I think the paragraph leading to "The Night of the Moon did not call for the same old boring food" is really excellent in describing their community in general and the importance of the event you've chosen to tell this story through. I also really liked the emphasis of Fidda's choice to speak out loud, but it was disconcerting to me as a reader to be trying to create an image of the characters and have it be so thoroughly wrong twice in one piece.
Of course, that's me assuming what I was intended to know, and when, but I didn't get the sense from the rest of the text that I was supposed to be surprised.
I also thought that Nur and Lutfi's relationship and their contrasts were beautifully written. That's a lovely realization that Nur has at the end, that still (and maybe even cautious) needn't be boring.