breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
I usually don't post this kind of stuff, for various reasons.

TW: depression, minor suicidiality )

In short: I could use some kind thoughts and words right now, because my brain is ebbing out the feeling of alone. It's a charmer.

In happier news: finished NaNoWriMo, workplace is letting most of the employees have an extended holiday vacation, and though the work holiday party was mostly sad for me quite a few people were happy I was there and gave me hugs and talked to me.

Hopefully I can post some writing excerpts later when I feel more up to it.

Sorry for the blah boring post.

breezeshadow: ANXIETY TIMES ICON (FeedbackHell)
Title: Lavender
Genre: Fantasy
The Troops: Tegre and Cassandra
Status: Complete but very rough
Rating: PG-13, disturbing imagery and also just very depressing
Summary: Sometimes your body stays alive while your brain slowly rots...
Prompt: NA
Author's Notes: I'm not too happy with this, but I AM happy to have finally finished something. I'll let this stew before going back to flesh it out a bit more. This story was first posted here.

Major TW for depression, familicide, physical disability )
breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
TW for frank discussion of failure and mental illness (ED, depression, anxiety) )

For those who may be concerned: I am okay. Just doing a lot of thinking lately, and this keeps replaying in my mind. It's not really that helpful, and I know it isn't, so hopefully putting it here will get my brain to cut that shit out and think about more constructive things, like which prompts to use for stories.

breezeshadow: TEA TIMES ICON (ALLtheTea)
This will be a relatively quick post of "life & writing" since at 9AM I start volunteering with Save the Bay. We'll be planting native seeds in an area of the Hayward coast that is closed to the public. I hope they'll let us take some pictures as we start with a 15-minute nature walk, but since it's a very delicate ecosystem right now they may not.

After that it will be shop at Target for some food, an iron, super glue (oh yeah, I'm having FUN tonig-- Wait no, I just spilled candle wax on the carpet), and copious amounts of clearance chocolate.

Then back home for hopefully some writing or at least video games.

Speaking of writing:

TW for severe depression, because Tegre )

I have a rant about how some people STILL BELIEVE in humourism, but not enough time to get into it. Hope you all have a lovely Saturday.

breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
TW for depiction of physical disability and very severe depression )

Had to write this down before going to bed, so I didn't lose that second paragraph. Once the line "He walked on a dead man's feet" came into my head, I knew I'd better sit at the computer just a little longer.

Guten Nacht, alles.
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
Today I feel depressed.

Mainly, I feel alone, unwanted, uncared for, undeserving. The normal jazz.

I decided to go out for a walk to buy some chocolate, stop by the post office. On my way home, I saw someone sleeping on a bus bench. Their wheelchair with a plastic bag full of items was nearby. The blankets looked home-crocheted. I wished that the United States has the system that the UK is implementing, where you can go onto a website and record someone sleeping rough and thus get resources to them.

Then I remember I was heading to Starbucks.

Once in there, I bought whatever seemed like it would be okay sitting out, and also be nourishing -- turned out to be a turkey & swiss sandwich for whatever reason. I bought it, got some napkins, and then rummaged through my pocket for something to write with, to leave a note.

Instead I found the $5 Peet's coffee giftcard that I got months ago and hadn't used. And that's when I went fuck the note, and tucked the card mostly hidden between the sandwich's box and the napkins, and then quietly placed it on their wheelchair.

I still feel pretty depressed and lonely and unloved. But at least I have a home, and a job, and food, and the luxury to have a pet and new clothes and high-quality teas and chocolates.

I don't know if that person will get the sandwich and card, or if it will be taken by some greedy asshole. But if they do, I can only hope they aren't allergic to anything in it, and it lets them keep going forward.

(Also my brain is paranoid that somehow I gave them my credit card number, which, wha? Brains be stupid)

breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
Last night, I e-mailed the Chief Science Officer and Lab Director of my company, two of my superiors whom I work most closely with.

TW for talk of anxiety, some suicidal ideation )

This I will have out in the open because just... Wow. The e-mail regarded panic attacks, if you skipped due to the TW. I expected them to disapprove.

Instead they both replied within 30 minutes even though it was 9PM (we're all workaholics at this place). The CSO replied within ten minutes of the e-mail.

Both of them had the exact same statement in their reply: "let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Both said it was no issue if I had to leave early or come in late. The CSO just told me to as a courtesy mention if I would be away for more than half a day.

I am almost tearing up at relating this because I had not expected this reaction. In my last job I was not promoted because someone mentioned they thought my meds may make me a bit unstable. So to have them reacting with such openness has me feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend to not be anxious and pretend everything was fine at work. If shit hit the fan, I could take some time to breathe.

And even better, when I went into work this morning? It wasn't like I had sent that e-mail at all. They treated me just as they always did.

I have almost never, EVER gotten this understanding of a reaction regarding my anxiety. Friends, family, even doctors have always reacted as if it isn't a big deal, as if I should control it, or get over it. So to get a reaction that is very "Okay. Let us know if we can help in any way." is... Like I said, eyes getting wet here.

I gave my presentation, and when I had stumbles or slips up, they just patiently waited. After it, the consulting lab director (not the one I e-mailed) told me I had done a great job.

And while I don't think I'm out of this anxiety storm, I feel like now, I can steer through it better. Because I don't have to pretend it isn't there out of fear for my job.

Maybe writing or something later. I just had to share this because... For me it's mind-blowing. I'm going to send them a thank you e-mail back and pretend I'm not nearly crying from gratitude.

breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
I am alive. No I am not feeling that much better. It doesn't help that eBay Car's brakes partially failed and I got a 2011 car instead that I need help with the insurance for, and feel like I am such a dumbass for getting a car that new even though I know it will last forever.

But I did not come here to vent because at this stage in depression, I feel like I shouldn't, because it's stupid and no one cares. Instead have some excerpts from Friendship in Winter (completed NaNoWriMo with it at 53510 words) and a story for a bingo card.

FIW Excerpt: The Old Home. TW for mentions of abuse, suicide, violence, general awful )

Two paragraphs that exemplify my wry style of writing )

Last from FIW: the gryphons )

Written today for the bingo story. Need to think up wedding vows before it can be finished. TW for mentions of homophobia. Hari mistook a paragraph of this for GRRM, somehow. )
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
TW for depression )

In other news: if I don't call a therapist in the next week since they never got back to me, smack me. I just can't handle this alone any longer.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
Severe PMDD swing today. I'd say more about it, but part of this swing is a feeling that I cannot whine about it at all, because no one cares and all I do is complain. So basically, this is mainly for me to say sorry for the silence and utter lack of interesting here.

I'll leave you with prose from the current bingo project.

Look, I'm worldbuilding! )
breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
Trigger for depression )

To try and get rid of this shit, I bring you one of my characters having a more miserable time than I am:

TW for mention of sexual assault. Kader makes most people's lives look pleasant. Except maybe Trent's )


I hope if I keep writing this I can give Kader all of my emo and then get over myself. If only it worked that way, hm?

breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (RogerAlone'd)
So yesterday I was just minding my own business at work, putting samples into storage, when my supervisor came over and asked me to come with her, because one of the lab directors wanted to do an "evaluation". We have three-month evaluations, but this was early for that -- like, a month early. "Dammit, I wish I had had time to STUDY", I thought as I went out to the front and followed my supervisor, the chief science officer, and the lab director into an office.

"You're not in trouble, so don't be nervous."

It's like they know me already. I relaxed a bit, now mostly just curious. The lab director was holding papers.

"To start off, we really like you."

I replied to that comment with a cautious "Thanks?" I don't know how to take compliments. He continued.

"You're very intelligent," then something else I don't remember, and then "But we feel that you could be doing more for the company than just processing samples."

At THAT point I got nervous again, but cautiously agreed. And that's when he told me basically, that he wanted me to move into the QA department that they were planning to start on. While also taking on some of my supervisor's work to relieve her of some of it. He told me that I already had the writing and communication skills for it, so what did I think?

I said okay, sure, and got congratulated by the chief science officer, which is what mostly gave me a hint that this was more than just a department change. Also, my supervisor asked me as we left "So was this completely out of the left field for you?"

Yes. Yes it was.

Too bad it hasn't stopped my brain from being insane. Trigger for depression, suicidality, anxiety )

In other news OMG ALAMEDA NATURAL GROCERY. You know those overpriced, healthy-crazy places that have hordes of rices and lentils and stuff in bulk and all kinds of weird fruit? Yep, one of those places. I'm in love. It reminds me of my cousin, who is very similar to me in many respects, and we would sometimes go to a natural store much like this one, and so that further gave me fuzzy feelings. As did the fresh produce. And the chocolate. They have Green & Black's which is SO hard to find out here :D Love.

Also work out routine is slowly coming along. Trying to remember to actually work out, joints seem a bit better, though today after barely 15min of swimming my head was pounding (?). Will keep trying.

And finally...

I feel guilty just posting about my life, so have a fake person's! )
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
Look forward to a time when I'll be able to sleep through a night, again. Whenever that will be, granted. (Last night woke up at 12:30AM thinking it was time to get up. I'd been asleep for not even 3 hours)

I wish I had more to say but I'm in a very blah, disinterested, 'Go through the motions" mood today (mostly for reasons I know about so at least it isn't a sudden malaise attack?).

Will say though that [personal profile] smw visited over this weekend, and it was nice having someone to explore the delightful little things in my town with. Also someone to help me drag a dresser back to IKEA to return it (without its instructions OR some parts because I really messed up loading that). So, good seeing you.

Right now I think I should drive to work and take the waffles I have half-heartedly made and then barely ate because my stomach has hit a sudden "Huh food, nah j/k" mode. Woo.
breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
Sunday, I got into a car accident. The car I loved, that I got as a graduation gift from my car after I totaled my LAST car, the Prius, my dream car? It is totaled. It is gone, I cleaned it out today. I have random bursts between wanting to cry, feeling mostly normal, and then wanting to Trigger warning: suicide ) Basically, I really loved that car.

So tonight, instead of doing work? I wrote something horrifying. Like, I horrified myself.

Trigger warning for brutal violence/mauling/death )

En... Enjoy I guess? I actually lately find violence to be really unsettling, so I think I triggered MYSELF. Fail.

Think I'm going to go sleep, now. I have nothing to do tomorrow, and I think I need the rest.

breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
My depressive episodes apparently can be so mild that I can barely identify them except when I start losing my interest in breakfast and food, and when I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, and when I'm not looking forward to returning to school or starting my new research project or... Much of anything.

In other news, I felt all inadequate about my novel and I figured I probably hadn't hit any major work count -- I don't count the word counts since I write in Wordpad -- and actually apparently I hit 60K words in Chapter Twelve. Woo?

Also my mother's new dog is tiring. And she's getting pictures of the children taken together and I'm just... Not in the mindset to be shoved into a camera and forced to be happy.

And everyone's hatred for my mother seems to be slowly increasing. I keep hearing the same reason: "All she does is put you down."

Now to keep an eye on my pasta and take a shower and try to find SOME outfit that will work at the photographer's.

Edit - I can't even take a shower because this dog peed all over my carpet and the suitcase, and tried it again on my mother's hardwood floor, and then wouldn't go outside.

I'll still be in my pajamas when my mother arrives home for the appointment and I'll be blamed.


breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (RogerAlone'd)
I feel antsy and unnecessary and almost useless.

And I can't really shake the feeling that it is my own fault and my own faults that have stuck me here.

Almost like a self-induced punishment.

I was fine with my cousin and we had a great time as we always do with our adventures, but now I'm back alone with no one immediately to turn and talk to, and I'm starting to feel like tossed out trash, like I've gone past my expiration date.

I feel that anxious want for someone to TALK TO.

And at the same time I feel that it's my own fault there is no one.

And thus: the useless.

Edit - And when mother gets home she is mad at me that I didn't make dinner even though I just got home and I'm just not hungry. I asked if she was okay when she seemed upset, she snapped "No I'm just tired and hungry and CRANKY" and then a while later "I was just hoping that some days you were home you'd make dinner."

I really am worthless.

Edit Again - And then she yelled at me for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher, asking me "You were out from 10 to 6?" Actually, I was out most of the day.

Now I'm starting to wonder why I even exist in the first place. This is not going to be a good mental night.
breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
I can't look on DW lately without feeling horribly depressed, left out, and I guess "expired" would be the best word -- or maybe "outdated"? Basically no longer useful, dump her in the trash.

Which is REALLY fucking annoying seeing as feeling this way makes me not want to post, when posting would probably fix the damn problem. Instead I think "No I won't bother it's not worth it no one wants to hear from me" when logically I know that's a giant lie.

Why does my brain have to be so contrary?

In other news: joint pain still around, now accompanied by back pain, neck pain, and starting last night, chest pain. Will tell psychiatrist about it so she can set up an appointment because this is getting bad.

Woke up with nasty stomach pain on the day of an exam, not sure what it is, hope it's not an illness and just a fluke. Won't be eating breakfast right away, may get a snack on the run to nanobiotech.

I also can't shake off this feeling of being really thirsty.

Mentally the malaise is a bit better but the anxiety was nasty yesterday, and both it and the depression have been easily triggered. Like I said, I can't even go on DW without something triggering it. CLEARLY Celexa is doing a great job.

Also, the boyfriend is back in the states today which means we can text each other again! We're both pretty happy about that.

Also Principles of Drug Delivery is really interesting. Like, "I don't mind studying for this" kind of interesting. I find this exciting.

But I'm going to be late for class.

breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
I don't even remember most of last night's dream except it involved me living in a building that had multiple apartments, one of them taking up two floors that really looked quite fancy; one of them just... A room and a bathroom; mine which was this tight cramped thing at the end of a small staircase; and I think some other apartment? I don't even know.

I do know most of my family was there and I was trying to please them. And that at one point I was pushing some steamer with too many buttons through a parade but something was wrong with it.

And somehow I ended up trying to crawl through this hatch, and told someone that I barely made it due to my hips, and then once I got through the shoot I landed in my upstairs shower that had been relocated to some platform where some guy was giving all sorts of proclamations about how I was the princess or something. Then I started bleeding everywhere and frantically got a pad and shouted while getting changed that yes, I was totally the princess, there to save them (or something), but realized I'd have to show myself to them, and got changed fast enough that the delay was only merely awkward.

Also I think my lab was involved. Maybe. I think I remember a train too. Honestly the plot and scenes were so convoluted and strange I can't even tell you what was going on in the scenes I remembered up there.

So anyway.


I was sort of amused by the responses to my quick post, as I, being myself, looked at that and went "What's the big deal? Why are they so worried?"

Then the malaise really hit and I felt like doing nothing except staring into space at the computer because I decided that nothing mattered anymore.

I hate meds.

Of course then there's the excitement at work which involves this dude I'm calling creepvisor, who seems to think that if he just asks me multiple times in the same conversation if he could "follow" me or "come with me" to lab, that clearly I will eventually say yes. When I didn't, he then asked "Well what floor is your lab on?" Right due, I'm totally going to tell you that so you can stalk me more effectively. Sure. Dealing with you at work wasn't aggravating enough.

At least he hasn't mentioned lunch again. Asking someone "Where do you eat lunch?" is NOT an effective way to try and get to know someone, people. It kind of just creeps them out.

I was actually nervous to go to lab last night because I thought he'd somehow find his way there, but he didn't so, you know, yay.

I also have a boyfriend who has been utterly befuddling me because I keep expecting him to run away as my inherent crazy slowly boils over as the semester continues, and instead he sticks around and tells me he's not going to leave. And my brain goes "But why not?! I'm insane! I must be tiring to date! Why would you stick around?"

Maybe it's because he loves me; that's just a theory though.

Furthermore grad school is kind of this weird mix between "oh god work drowning" and "that's not grad-level difficulty." My project design course gives us quizzes that are literally just vomiting up verbatim what the reading says. You don't even have to do any in-depth reading, not when it asks things like "Did you read the useful article?" (No joke. That was a question once.) Bioprocess Engineering seems like it should be HARD but right now it's just very tedious. Nanobiotechnology and Principles of Drug Delivery are the only two courses who actually are still kind of intimidating.

As far as lab work goes I finally ran a successful experiment and got to watch my cancer cells act mostly confused in the collagen gel. I hope to run another one today but the gels keep being fickle. Cooperate with me, science! In any case my friends seem surprised by how much time I actually SPEND in lab, which has me like "? Isn't this what I am supposed to do?"

And then of course working at the dining hall on weekends.

Dropping a class has given me sleep recovery time on Mondays and Wednesdays. I feel like come October I will be worshiping this time.

So to my friends: I am really sorry I have sort of dropped off of the face of the planet but I am so caught up in this craziness that I am not really speaking to ANYONE unless they talk to me first, the lone (barely) exception being the boyfriend. Some of you I'd love to contact but you keep going and being invisible 90% of the time on AIM so I have to just hope you surprise me :( (no seriously, [personal profile] smw, what's up with that? It's been utterly baffling me for weeks. xD )

Also my ability to write has been severely compromised by "not enough time" and "not enough energy". Which I really, truly hate. I wrote something for my bf that I may get up here later today. It doesn't help that the lack of motivation is like "Just give up your dreams of being published. It's never going to happen." It's really great inspiration to write.

And so that's that, I feel! The joint pain is still around, so I may actually take the plunge and make a Gannett appointment to figure out seriously, WTF is up, why are my legs hurting. However, my priorities are still ruined toward being a perfect student and worker, so. I may be talking out of my ass.

If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask them. Or you can request writing off of me. Maybe if OTHER PEOPLE want something...

Now time to run to lab, with the hopes that my gels will cooperate.

breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (>.>Soldier)
So I'm reading old posts on my LJ, to try and get a sense of what I was like back in high school. This was inspired by recently visiting my high school, in order to get Girl Scout cookies from my AP Government teacher. I felt shy, quiet, and disconnected from the high school world -- like it was ages ago, like I didn't know about it or what to say.

I've felt that way about a lot of things, lately.

Reading the old entries is fascinating. The thing is, though I whined and bitched and fretted a lot, I was a very insightful high school senior. Though I denied my anxiety, it is plain as day, as are my desperate attempts to reason through it. But also clear are other things. Acknowledgements that I won't get anywhere if I don't push myself a bit. Acknowledgement that parents will be parents.

I feel like I may have lost that, somehow. That I have somehow matured backwards, skidding on that scale. I'm not sure it's possible for someone to do that. I'm not sure if it's just the depression talking.

It's talked a lot lately.

My AP Government teacher seemed very excited to see me, and seemed to be keeping track of my life nearly better than I could. I saw two other teachers, my AP Calculus and AP Stats teachers; I would have liked to see more but I could not find them, and felt weird peaking into rooms. But both of the others, upon hearing I graduate in May, were shocked that time had flown by. My AP Government teacher just said "I know."

So do I, my friend.

All of them asked of my plans. I told them all how I'm getting a graduate degree at Cornell. My AP Government teacher commented that it made sense that I would stay at Cornell, because "You are already at the top. Why go elsewhere?"

She has a point. A new perspective perhaps. I am stuck in the perspective of "never good enough". I have a 2.725 GPA. That's a B-, more or less even. My grades poorly reflect that, being mostly C's balanced out by the random A's. It's below a 3.0, and I cannot convince myself that that is somehow a good thing. So many places want a 3.0GPA or above. They do not seem to care if I come from Cornell or not.

That and I don't have research experience, just experience working at a dining hall and pushing my way through courses. Right now I am taking a mere 10 credits, three courses and a seminar. I feel inferior. Not good enough. Not smart enough.

Hence the different perspective. It's hard to think I'm at the top. I feel like I'm at the bottom. What I have to remind myself of -- think of, perhaps regularly -- is that I'm at the bottom of the top.

In the grand scheme of things, that may not be so awful.

I still don't have a graduate advisor. I still fear I won't be able to pay for my apartment. I still fear that other shoe dropping, falling.

But sometimes I need that bit of different perspective, even if it comes from not knowing all of the details. Or does it? I do not know. I found I did not speak much. I didn't know what to say, anymore.

The facts are odd to sift through, anyway. I finished my undergraduate degree a semester early. Technically everything I'm taking now is supposed to be for grad. I was told how to find an advisor. Eventually I should get one. But I freeze and become certain it won't happen.

I feel like I missed a bit of everything, everywhere, and now it's coming back to bite me. But is it really? I don't know. It could be the anxiety, or it could be truth. I suspect it's a mix of both.

Maybe it's that everyone seems so excited and proud of me, and I cannot match their feelings.

Maybe it's that never-ending doubt -- almost a certainty I'll fail.

Always thought that way, always will? I suppose that's what the book my therapist told me to read is for.

It feels weird thinking I may be able to handle life less now than I did in high school. I know that's not true, of course. Back then I just bottled everything up, hence why I had such extensive LJ posts in the first place. At least now I try to interact to people. I just don't know if I do it right. *chuckle*

I'm really tempted to set my status to something about the depression, to see what people say. It's been around for, what, five months now? Stupid stuff, doesn't want to leave. I really will have to talk to my psychiatrist about these meds.

But anyway. It was nice to see some teachers again, if only for the encouragement ((refreshment; um, what?)) and to relive the memories. My AP Government teacher even mentioned something about seeing my graduation on FB or something, which kind of surprised me. I guess I just assumed no one would care anymore.

Oh well.

Also, can I say it's just really weird to think one of my teachers (AP Government teacher, of course) was one of the first to really point out how weird/problematic my eating habits are? Go, go observant teachers. I still wonder if my AP English teacher noticed the depression.

In other news, AG is a pain in the ass. I'm trying to write the novel. I really am. But I just can't get into it. I keep getting stuck at the end of scenes, interestingly enough. Not sure what's up; I will keep trying. This will be one of my few chances to write the novel in a while, so I must take advantage of it.

But instead I'm playing League of Legends. I have this sort of love/hate/fear relationship with LoL. I find it fun. But it scares me because it involves other people and I'm sort of terrible at it and I don't feel like I'll ever be good at it. I still played three games in a row, but I felt inadequate in almost all of them. Granted, I was doing better than this one other guy, so I'm not a total noob. Just 95% of one. *laugh*

Also the CT weather hates me. Every time I plan something with my cousin Marie, the weather always turns disastrous. It doesn't like us getting together and planning nefarious deeds, of course.

And my mother and I have been mostly getting along despite a message she sent me where she basically went "You told me you didn't care about Dragon Day. You could have not invited me. My feelings are hurt." No, that does not make any more sense in context. And no, she has not brought it up since. Spill out the hurt, then leave the victim upset. Family strategy.

Also apparently the psychiatrist at her job is Mr. Hitler because he was yelling at them for stuff and my mother just doesn't like him. I feel like Mr. Hitler wasn't a Muslim, nor a psychiatrist, nor from Pakistan.

I also went to the dentist today. I guess my body got sick of the pain -- she had the suction/air thing rested on my lip while my mouth was wide open, and for some reason it HURT like hell. Kept clenching my fists, twitching, etc. to try and ignore it. I guess it didn't work because she went to do something -- I think open my mouth further -- and I just spontaneously pushed her hand away. I instantly apologized and she didn't seem too surprised/annoyed, but still, way to go feral on the dentist, self.

Of course at one point she went "Oh, I see this [wisdom tooth] is still healing" and then POKED THE HEALING AREA WITH THE DENTAL HOOK a few times, which stung like hell and left me even more sore. This being the same side she was placing the suction tube on. So maybe my instincts knew what they were doing when they tried to push her away. Leave my poor healing surgical wound alone. D:

Oh life.

To end this entry before I lose interest and never post it: one of the best weird dreams ever.

First it started off strange. One of my freshman coworkers and I were driving around in my Prius in the pedestrian streets of a Chinatown. We came upon these large red Chinese/"Oriental" designed arches. We drove through them, and parked the car, and got some tea and sat on rugs and decided to eat there. The owner looked like he wanted to object to us bringing the car through the gate of his restaurant, but hey.

Then I think I must have woken up, likely due to a text from K who hadn't slept enough. Then I fell back to sleep, and into the silliest dream ever.

I had been kidnapped by supervillians. I was desperate for a way to escape. Finally, I got free, and was running across this sunny, sandy land, frantic, certain they'd catch me...

And that's when I started kayaking down aqueducts. Without the kayak. Or the oar. I was sitting, legs straight out in front of me, wearing I'm pretty sure nothing but a white towel, and making the motions of kayaking. I moved forward like I actually WAS in a boat. The water was crystal clear and somewhat bluish, though not as blue as the sky, with its puffy white clouds. I passed by some kids who were also kayaking without kayaks, and we waved at each other.

Eventually I found a sign on sandstone sewer-like walls that had an arrow with the word "Olin Library". Excellent! I fake-kayaked to the end of the aqueduct, then got out of the water and hustled up a sandstone staircase, out of the mysterious sewer tunnel that the aqueduct emptied into, and out into sunlight. Yes, sunlight, in Ithaca.

I found Neil, who gave me a very brief hug before declaring "Sorry, I don't like hugs" and walking off. To another group of people. One guy whom he hugged. I was hurt and a little miffed. After all, I had just gotten back from being kidnapped. How dare he!

Of course it wasn't long before the supervillians were back and a bunch of us were facing off. One of the supervillians, who is actually someone who comes to the LARP sessions, tried to cast tear gas on me. Yes, cast. I protested, saying that he couldn't cast it. Why? Magic didn't work that way. As I lectured, you see, you need to use the elements, and tear gas isn't an element. Well, okay, I suppose an Earth Mage could morph the earth into gold and then shatter that to make tear gas, so you know what, do that. But no you don't have to make the gestures. They aren't necessary, you can just do it.

In the background, one of the real-life storytellers for our LARP slammed his head into a conveniently-located table.

And shortly after that, I woke up. It wasn't until I was in the shower that it started to filter back and I asked "Wait, what?"

I have the best weird dreams. I do love the logic of turning gold into tear gas. I didn't know it worked that way!

Also poor Neil, my subconscious makes him act like a huge ass in my dreams, without fail, every time.

Speaking of Neil, my mother has twice mentioned this break that maybe I will "rekindle my romance" with Neil. UH HOW ABOUT "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS" MOM AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS KTHXBAI.

So yeah. My life is still strange. I'm still strange. Some things never change.

Now to see if I can something out of this poor novel.

breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (RogerAlone'd)
So last week started with a nervous breakdown.

This week is starting off with being tentatively diagnosed with an eating disorder.

This has just been the best semester.

(If I had to say what it was -- and I'm still in partial denial mode -- it'd be orthorexia)

More later, after class.


breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)

August 2016

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