breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
Who comforts the comforter?

It is a question asked by egoists, mostly. Or it is subtly sneered at in silly sayings and words: "Every girl you see is SMILING beyond the PAIN". Every kind gesture is laced with tragedy. The world is cast into doubt and despair: "How do I know she is happy to see me? Is she CRYING INSIDE?"

I do not know who comforts the comforters. It seems to me that a lot of them surely can turn to other comforters, to themselves, for solace. No one is standing atop a mountain, staff in hand, the sole comforter in the world, the Zeus of sympathetic ears. If they are, then that speaks to bigger problems, ones that a strange saying cannot fix.

Who do I seek for comfort? I am a gossip well. I fill up with things I hear, see, suspect, but almost never do I let such things out. Or so it used to be. Wells fill up eventually. Wells need to be emptied. Some things I fear I have pushed along.

Maybe it's not a bad thing, but it's a weird thing, a stressful thing. I have, unexpectedly, become the one who speaks up, stands up to be heard. I am the one being thanked by the CEO of the company for helping with something, for all of my department to see. I am the one who laughs at hearing someone hates them, regard their obvious gossiping when I approach as entertaining. The silence as I pass by, returning when I am away, has become funny -- "How obvious can you be?"

But what is funny for me is a mess for others. I talk to others in my department, and they talk to me, and the well fills with bracken waters. Ash stains my fingers, and though so much of me says "Don't say anything, wait for THEM", my morality sifts out the soot and says "There is no waiting".

Everyone is scary to me, so there is no need for added anxiety. I approach and enter an office with fear and anxiety bubbling from my heart and mouth, but when I decide to do something, I do it. There is no waiting, no comfort for the comforter. I look down at my health and career, and say "We are emptying this well, no matter the dirt left behind."

When did I become the mother of mothers? The nail that stands up, as they say? How has it become me to approach a manager and speak of bullying and racism, of people being afraid they were be fired if they speak up? How am I the one who gets the response of HR being looped in, words that are a strange blend of hope and fear? I am but a bystander, ignored but not degraded. In that office my voice speaks for others, when I cannot speak for myself. I return to those I guard wishing I could bring back better hope.

Who comforts the comforter? Friends, family, pets? Perhaps if I sought out any of them, they would try. But this comforter blankets her bed quiltless. There may be holes where the down is escaping, but in that twisted saying, good things come to those who wait. Will I have relief, or firm things to need relief from? As I juggle the madness of living, will I have a ball taken away, or a stray one that smacks me in the face? A million bad metaphors could get me no closer to an answer; it lies in a blood vial, in chemical reactions, in a lab printout, somewhere out there.

Who comforts the comforter? Who empties that well?

Perhaps I should ask who is filling it in the first place...

(P.S. I don't have any details I want to share right now, since the test results aren't in yet. So I'll say that I've been better, but beyond drama at work everything is okay there; and that depending on those test results, we may have an answer to a lot of my health issues soon. Feel free to approach me through message or IM if you want though.)
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
TW for anxiety )

Seriously, anxiety!squirrel, go find a tree or something.
breezeshadow: ANXIETY TIMES ICON (FeedbackHell)
This post may get a bit rambling, but hopefully it'll all make sense.

So on Saturday I drove down to a coastal town a hundred miles from me to visit their aquarium with some friends. This was breaking new territory for me in many ways: I invited them out, not the other way around; I was driving welllll beyond where I'd usually go; and I was leaving the house to get to their place BY 9AM. And so on and so forth.

Unfortunately TW for social phobia )

The good news is my friends are total sweethearts and handled me being a neurotic mess with grace. They told me it was fine if I needed to duck out if the crowds were too much, and were willing to move which table we sat at at the chocolate shop since we were right next to a table of shrieking brats (that isn't exaggeration. I kept wincing, and one of my friends started to get a headache). I felt so bad that I was such a mess, but they were understanding and encouraged me to invite them out again.

I tentatively mentioned us meeting up for board games this weekend for my birthday and they said sure, so we'll see if I get over that activation energy bump again.

I'll try to link some pictures later, but Facebook is FREAKING OUT at uploading them, and also my hands were shaking so badly that most of the photos are shit. But there are some I'll share.

----

Now onto other things. First: Scott Lynch's Red Seas under Red Skies has a mother-fuckin' dark-skinned single-mother-of-two PIRATE as a character. I'm not enjoying this novel as much as the first in the series (The Lies of Locke Lamora, an excellent book), but DAMMIT that character is made of win. Apparently some asshat whined at Lynch about wish fulfillment regarding her and Lynch very bluntly told him to shut the fuck up, women need wish fulfillment too, which, <3

My favourite character is still Jean because I don't even know, he's just funny and adorable and he carries around twin hatchets, leave me alone.

----

Finally, I'm almost done with the Gareth/Andy story (I know, SUPER SLOW writer). I can't figure out how to end it, which is normal for me. So here, have a random excerpt until I figure it out:

No TWs that I can think of )

I'm not used to Andy talking so much. I don't think he is either.

----

On that note, I'm going to take Red Seas with me to bed and either finish it or fall asleep trying. Hope you all are doing well.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: ANXIETY TIMES ICON (FeedbackHell)
First, what you all are more interested in: more of the Gareth story from yesterday.

Soft TW for phantom limb mention )

Really, I just wanted to share that last paragraph. And also share that it took me at least a MINUTE to remember the word "ambush". I stared at WordPad thinking "There's a word for when a group surprise attacks you. I KNOW there is... But what is it?" I was just writing out a text to a friend to ask when it came to me. Thanks, brain.

Also I apologize for my writing being awful lately. I've been severely out of the habit, and Zoloft-brain is being pretty bad lately in creative writing.

And then, to explain the icon: TW for anxiety )

Now to continue this story and hope it gets a bit less like pulling teeth.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
We had a stressful situation at work that still isn't resolved; at this point, however, the stuff I can do has been done, and it's in someone else's court. It's potentially very serious, but I apparently subconsciously locked up all of the stress until it, of course, spilled over. TW anxiety, food ) Good, brain, good coping.

On the plus side, I got Sonata Arctica's new album, and it is fantastic. Furthermore, I think it stirred some creative juices, and I've gotten an idea for a story based on the following two songs.



You have no idea how disappointed I was that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover.

TW for war, PTSD )

Combined with my anxiety, this story is sure to be... Interesting.

Once I have more than a paragraph or two, I will share. I really just wanted to share those songs because <3 Sonata Arctica.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
TW for frank discussion of failure and mental illness (ED, depression, anxiety) )

For those who may be concerned: I am okay. Just doing a lot of thinking lately, and this keeps replaying in my mind. It's not really that helpful, and I know it isn't, so hopefully putting it here will get my brain to cut that shit out and think about more constructive things, like which prompts to use for stories.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: TEA TIMES ICON (ALLtheTea)
Hello everyone.

Every year, without fail, someone on the internet brings up the diatribe about how Christmas has become too commercial.

I'm guilty of it.

As a little kid, I'd wake up at 4AM or so, anxious and terrified that Santa didn't come. I'd sneak upstairs to where the Christmas tree was -- I distinctly remember one year we had it in the spare bedroom, which was adjacent to my parents' bedroom, which added a whole new level of anxiety for me. Trying to be silent with a decade-old house that liked to creak, I'd find the tree, and feel a rush of relief at there being presents. Santa hadn't forgotten, or I hadn't been a bad girl.

Fast forward a decade or so, and I still like the presents the most. I feel guilty for it, feeling like I should like it for the family, but the truth is -- I like gifts and I like getting things for free.

This year, I couldn't afford to go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday -- as a kid we would go to my grandmother's house, and I would gorge myself on pierogi and cranberry sauce. This is the second Thanksgiving I had to miss, and calling my grandmother isn't the same. But this year, I missed Christmas as well. I couldn't afford those tickets, and both of my parents had medical emergencies this year (not to mention my father's company deciding to knock his salary by $10K for "overhead").

I can tell you right now that the most peaceful holiday you can have, especially if you are a shy introvert, is one on your own, in your own space. I went out for a haircut and quick shopping on Saturday, and haven't left since, because oh god the traffic. My brain is revving up its insanity for this part of the year -- it's like I have SAD except crazy anxiety for like, December/January -- but these past few days have been peaceful and quiet.

It doesn't take much to make me happy in terms of gifts. My mother got me a Kamelot CD, a pair of new headphones, and a Someecards pillow featuring their hilarious Sorry for being myself card. This pillow is definitely my favourite. Hari got me three books, two by Atwood, and one about Henrietta Lacks, whose cancer cells were taken and cultured, without her permission or consent, and form the backbone of our cancer stock and research.

But what did I give? How did I participate in this holiday of spending? With a dash of charity: Meals 4 Others.

Meals 4 Others offers food and food-related items for gifts. Associated with these are "meals". Basically, depending on what you buy, the company donates money to a food bank of your choice to the equivalent of the "meals" of that item. Items range in price from <$10 to $100+. They have everything from hot sauce to lobster meals to tea.

Only my mother and cousin really are flexible enough for me to get them this kind of thing. My mother especially appreciated her gift; as a social worker, she is painfully aware of the misfortunes of the world, and so was delighted to get chocolate AND know that a food bank was helped. Judging by what she told me, the gifts come with a hand-written card describing the donation, and a sticker saying how many meals were donated. So it's a really touching way to combine gift-giving with helping others.

The San Francisco Food Bank and Cheshire Food Bank received my donations; one of them I didn't let know, I think Cheshire because I get enough spam. On the 28th I will be volunteering at the SF bank as part of my holiday giving. I still need to make a monetary donation to a charity of my choice (suggestions welcome!), but I'm a bit low on funds this month, so it will be a new year donation.

If you want to give someone the good ol' fashioned gift of food, I recommend Meals 4 Others. Everyone deserves some food.

On that note, I hope you all have Happy Holidays.

breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
Seriously, my ability to concentrate has been kind of shit, as has been my ability to keep myself entertained as a result. Regardless, today:

a) I bought eggs from some random guy in the next city over for $4, which is cheaper than Target's organic cagefree eggs. Somehow.

b) I got some writing done:

It took me too long to write the latter half of this scene )

So yeah. Thursday night work had a social event at the Exploratorium in SF. I spent most of it traveling alone, which was honestly a way better way for me to enjoy that type of thing. The only issue is that TW for anxiety symptoms ) I think I missed a tragic amount of interesting things as a result.

I get kind of judgmental when I talk about drunk people. )

Seriously. I've had to be gentle to too many hungover people, and combining that with my overall family's alcoholism, my tolerance for drunken shenanigans is extremely low. They are funny to watch, for me, only to a point, and then I just want to leave.

But yeah. Definitely a place I'll have to visit again.

I'm not really sure what else to talk about; my mother could only wrangle 30min out of me on the phone today, maybe because phones have been on the anxiety list lately as well. Or because she called me and not the other way around. Who knows.

Either way, I feel exhausted despite having no real reason to, so I'm going to try and relax a bit and not guilt myself over not writing enough.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: FML TIMES ICON (FMLBear)
I just need to say

TW for anxiety, I guess? I don't know. )

Anyway.

Going to try to get some writing down tonight, but for now, try a bit of yoga as my left shoulder has been hurting, which then sometimes causes my elbow to sting and then results in numb fingers. So whatever is pinched in there, I'd like to try and let it stretch.

Also take an Ativan because I'm panicking over hearing someone roll something down the hall.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: WTF TIMES ICON (WTFCat)
Yesterday, my brain's thought processes were going something like this:

TW for crazy-ass anxiety )

I don't know. I'm going to shower and go to work.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
I really can't say if I'll be staying on DreamWidth or not, because all it does it make me anxious, and it's not like anyone seems to have an interest in what I post anyway.

I've had pretty bad writer's block for a few weeks, and also it seems my time of the month brought with it a pile of mess. TW for anxiety, depression, and epic communication failure )

I'm going to a writing meetup again on Sunday, with supervisor possibly joining me since apparently she also likes to write. Hopefully I'll get some work done on AG and possibly FIW then. For now, however, I'm going to try and sip tea and calm down while Thalia dozes contentedly beside me.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
Last night, I e-mailed the Chief Science Officer and Lab Director of my company, two of my superiors whom I work most closely with.

TW for talk of anxiety, some suicidal ideation )

This I will have out in the open because just... Wow. The e-mail regarded panic attacks, if you skipped due to the TW. I expected them to disapprove.

Instead they both replied within 30 minutes even though it was 9PM (we're all workaholics at this place). The CSO replied within ten minutes of the e-mail.

Both of them had the exact same statement in their reply: "let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Both said it was no issue if I had to leave early or come in late. The CSO just told me to as a courtesy mention if I would be away for more than half a day.

I am almost tearing up at relating this because I had not expected this reaction. In my last job I was not promoted because someone mentioned they thought my meds may make me a bit unstable. So to have them reacting with such openness has me feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend to not be anxious and pretend everything was fine at work. If shit hit the fan, I could take some time to breathe.

And even better, when I went into work this morning? It wasn't like I had sent that e-mail at all. They treated me just as they always did.

I have almost never, EVER gotten this understanding of a reaction regarding my anxiety. Friends, family, even doctors have always reacted as if it isn't a big deal, as if I should control it, or get over it. So to get a reaction that is very "Okay. Let us know if we can help in any way." is... Like I said, eyes getting wet here.

I gave my presentation, and when I had stumbles or slips up, they just patiently waited. After it, the consulting lab director (not the one I e-mailed) told me I had done a great job.

And while I don't think I'm out of this anxiety storm, I feel like now, I can steer through it better. Because I don't have to pretend it isn't there out of fear for my job.

Maybe writing or something later. I just had to share this because... For me it's mind-blowing. I'm going to send them a thank you e-mail back and pretend I'm not nearly crying from gratitude.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
Sometimes, I forget.

TW for talk of mental healthy, anxiety )
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
In which my OCD Compulsions take a sudden downturn toward WTF )

The best part? The medication I am on right now is supposed to help this. While it appears to be doing a very cheerful load of nothing. Extra fun part: I'm happy that a solid CBT technique of diverting your thoughts/think of how to deal with the worst-case scenario/etc. does very little for me. This is not the first time I've tried it in a high-anxiety/restless situation and had it fail fantastically. When I'm not as bad, it works, but when I need the most? Takes a smoke break.

Brains be stupid. Does anyone have some ideas? I've so far been very resistant to therapy; the most solid thing I've found for high anxiety is yoga, and I can't really do that in the middle of a highway/workplace.

Now I think I will go sleep as I've felt exhausted lately.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
Hello all.

The NP I am seeing for meds wants me to try drinking only white tea at night, since she thinks caffeine may be making my anxiety much worse. Seeing as I like any kind of tea, I am willing to try this out, and am thus switching to only white teas after about 3 or 4PM.

However, my stash of white tea is currently limited to only two kinds right now.

Does anyone out there have some recommendations for good white teas, whether loose or bagged? I'd love to hear about it so I can get a few more so I don't get bored with my selection and thus potentially slip off the path.

Thank you! Hopefully, writing this weekend. Having a bit of an off night emotionally so going to try reading, sipping some South Indian Oothu white tea, and playing Sims.

Edit - You may also recommend good herbal teas or even decaffeinated if you know of any really good brands, but I tend to be wary of both kinds (most herbal teas taste weird to me, while I just have a silly "it's all in my head" thing that makes decaffeinated tea taste not as good).

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
Apparently today is Craaaaaazy Pants Day!

TW for disturbing animal corpse imagery WTF? )

So that was fun and all. Also apparently my apartment complex's pool has been closed by the department of health, AND when I went to see if I got any packages, even though the office is supposed to be open, the guy wasn't there. So you know. I'm thinking looking for a new place to live, closer to my work place, may not be a horribly bad idea. It's not like I need to move tomorrow.

Then I got onto the road. First I was terrified anxious that my new FasTrak wouldn't work. It did, with a cute little beep and everything. But then I got onto the last highway leg and oh god. Oh god.

There were trucks and buses. And apparently today those just freak me out to no end. I kept startling, randomly breaking because I thought I'd get crushed between a bus and a truck, trying to hover near the other side of lanes without crossing the white line to avoid buses, etc. It was... Not especially safe and not a good sign of my mental state right now.

I am at least now in a quiet office environment with a cup of coffee -- it's odd how desk job somehow causes me to start drinking coffee, if only because I know tea isn't going to help me wake up -- so hopefully I can make it through the day without acting completely traumatized. Or talking about dead goats. That may seem sketchy.

Oh also. If you see a Blog Spot blog called Dinner Time with the exact same content as mine? It's me. I split it off from DW for family and friends who may be interested but whom I don't want to see the REST of what is on this journal. I'll still be posting Dinner Time posts here, they're just crossposted on the blog spot blog as well.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (RogerAlone'd)
I have no idea what my shoulders and arms in general think they are doing, but this morning my elbow was hurting pretty badly, and my shoulder, and then continued to hurt for HOURS. It hurt to pick a small vial up, then put it back where I found it. Small motion, no big deal, hurt. Right now my shoulders hurt just from the sin of chilling on a couch. WTF, joints, I didn't even EXERCISE yesterday. Or Saturday unless you count lugging a 95lb box around (like pathetically dragging it kind of lugging) and lifting a 35lb one. WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE.

Yesterday I went to the San Francisco Zoo, my opinion of which is sort of two-faced. Some of the exhibits were nice, but a lot was left to be desired. I was especially displeased at, say, seeing a snow leopard able to wander an exhibit but then see its companion pacing in a cage way in the back, not quite out of sight. If you only have room for one snow leopard, you shouldn't have two. Also the pacing tigers and just sad-looking gorillas made me feel all guilty. I've been to better zoos before, but I know worse ones exist.

I also spent the entire walk with a T-shirt for the boyfriend in a bag around my left elbow, which apparently was traumatizing enough to (theoretical diagnosis) pinch a nerve and cause the pain mentioned above. Seriously, I got tingling in my fingers from time to time throughout the morning. This kind of weird is why I need health insurance.

Also my coworkers and I took the most ridiculous picture at the zoo in which I am seated upon a giant statue of a bear, one of my coworkers is grinning goofily on my left, and then just a general mass of people spraying out. A few of us look like we're not sure how we got there.

Then when we got back to a coworker's place they played... Beer pong. My interest in the evening petered out pretty quickly after that.

Also I may get my hours switched to the evening shift (11AM-7:30PM) which would be good since less traffic, and also staying up to like past 11PM like right now would be less traumatizing. My sleep schedule is naturally more toward 3AM-11AM, so this would work out much better. We'll see, I won't believe it's happening until it happens.

Speaking of that kind of doubt and negativity: Anxiety/irritability symptoms, hoorah! )

Not entirely sure I have anything else to talk about right now. I applied for health insurance (again, first one didn't work out because of some stupid clause) and am supposed to hear back by the 10th so here's hoping it's approved. My vision insurance was approved today, so at least I can make sure I'm not slowly going blind (I worry about REALISTIC shit. Though I probably do need new glasses.)

Also looked up therapist and psychiatrist, found one of each that look hopeful, will search out once I get insurance. Also found dentist place. Eventually I'll look into someone for general shit but I'm way more concerned about my teeth and mental health right now.

But I should sleep since it's coming on 11:30PM and I need to be up at 7AM.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
Being outside of college and grad school gives me this funky sort of lens to look at how my behavior is completely warped by stress.

I know that probably sounds very "Oh no shit Sherlock?" but no seriously. Just a few things that I suddenly find myself independently deciding to do, without any sort of cajoling or guilt-tripping from other parties:

1) Exercising, and so far, keeping it up (hasn't even been a week so let's not celebrate yet, ha)
2) Grabbing food/snacks when hungry (today at work I got up when still hungry after lunch, grabbed some almonds, cranberries, and peanut butter, and ate it in this strange "stick the almonds and cranberries to the peanut butter on the spoon and pull it off with my teeth". It worked strangely well)
3) ACTUALLY WAKING UP ON TIME. It's been officially one month since I started working, and even when I don't actually move until the second-to-last or last alarm, I still get to work 30 min early. WHAT IS THIS SHIT GUYS.
4) Posting on Dreamwidth? I can't even explain that one.
5) Getting water from time to time.

it's a bit self-affirming, since I TOLD Gannett various times that I was stressed out (at least partially my own doing, of course), or told other people that I wasn't doing certain things due to stress or lack of time. Now I actually HAVE some free time, and fancy that, I'm considering doing things I wouldn't do in college. Also makes me want to smack Gannett in the face, two months out of their clutches, for just NOT FUCKING LISTENING. "Our brains are good at convincing us into thinking we need breaks" my ASS, it's because we DO ACTUALLY NEED THEM.

In other news though, still not really writing steadily. I think it's due to still being quite tired at the end of the day, so maybe I can try to start fitting it in on the weekends. I feel like writing after I swim and am thus much too wobbly to do anything reasonable is a good plan xD

I'm still not sure I'll keep up the exercise very long, as once again my shoulders are hurting (I did some weight training with 3lb dumbbells this morning and they're like "Haha fuck this shit."). I was given physical therapy exercises for my knees and shoulders waaaay back (years for the knees, a year or so for the shoulders), so I could try to get into doing those again. But I probably won't because, uh, I'm just really bad at doing shit doctors tell me to do (I have a wandering eye because young me refused to do eye exercises for it. This is just a personality trait of mine. A stupid one)

Also the whole "don't get endorphins" genetic fluke certainly isn't going to encourage me to keep this up. Come on, OCD, I need you here. Take over where evolution isn't!

Anyway, I've still got plenty of stressors here and there, money being the big one -- I spent a little more of my first (small due to only half a month) paycheck than I should have, and while I can pay for bills, I won't have much extra. I tried to soothe my brain by telling it that Hari would probably give me a little padding money if I wanted it, and that I don't really have anything I NEED to get right now, but you know. Brains don't listen.

I'm supposed to get reimbursement money from work due to moving, and that will be roughly another half paycheck. And my utilities are HILARIOUSLY low (my water bill was $30, and $10 of that was just a starting deposit) thanks to the glory of OCD. Seriously right now, uh, all that's running is the fridge, the modem, a lamp with an energy smart bulb, and my laptop's power adapter. >.> Water-wise it's... Uh... I guess whatever water a toilet uses when standing. I could likely save even more if I unplugged the toaster...

I learned the ways of penny-pinching from my mother. And frankly despite how much I complain about it in her? It's really helped me survive grad school and these months. All the same, I look forward to getting my second paycheck and saying "Guten Nacht" to living paycheck to paycheck.

And I am rambling, oye. I should leave this off and go back to things like virtual pet sites (I don't seem to use them nearly as much now that I'm out of school) and sleeping.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
The vampires keep giving me images of them being grinning and mischevious-looking in my head -- and yet I cannot draw well enough to get them out and share them with the world.

Curses.

I would say more, but I'm kind of in a distracted mood tonight, and trying desperately to write and failing, so I may just load a video game for a bit to try and get my brain to settle down from its "O_O LOOK THE INTERNET" mood.

Here have random prose.

What if Oerdum had diplomats? )
breezeshadow: FML TIMES ICON (FMLBear)
I feel horribly twitchy today -- my arms feel a bit shaky and like they haven't quite figured out how computers and typing work, and I just feel so restless.

It doesn't help that my brain keeps yelling at me that I'm pregnant. I'm graduating with a Master's degree in Biomedical Engineering in May, and yet my anxiety hasn't yet grasped how babies are made. I had an ultrasound last Monday for unrelated things and yet my brain thinks I must have gotten pregnant SINCE then. If I end up coming home one day with pregnancy tests despite being not even one-month late on my period yet, we all know what did it.

This is why I'd love to just be spayed -- I've this kind of random phobia nonsense since HIGH SCHOOL. You know, back when I didn't even have a boyfriend, or had even KISSED anyone yet. I swear my brain thinks I can get pregnant by breathing in boy fumes.

I'm also worrying about graduation weekend months in advance. Something is going to go wrong, my brain KNOWS IT.

I also woke up this morning with a headache so awful I actually cringed and had to sit still for a moment before I could get up. Since a banana and water helped, I think it's a mix of dehydration and allergies. Going to try and be conscious of my water intake.

Goals for today: finish entering lab data into Excel and hopefully analyze it, so I can meet with advisors and figure out how to move forward. Read Ch1 of TLtS if my anxiety focuses. And don't buy pregnancy tests.

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breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
Brittany

August 2016

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