breezeshadow: Is it not adorable? (PumaKitten)
Who comforts the comforter?

It is a question asked by egoists, mostly. Or it is subtly sneered at in silly sayings and words: "Every girl you see is SMILING beyond the PAIN". Every kind gesture is laced with tragedy. The world is cast into doubt and despair: "How do I know she is happy to see me? Is she CRYING INSIDE?"

I do not know who comforts the comforters. It seems to me that a lot of them surely can turn to other comforters, to themselves, for solace. No one is standing atop a mountain, staff in hand, the sole comforter in the world, the Zeus of sympathetic ears. If they are, then that speaks to bigger problems, ones that a strange saying cannot fix.

Who do I seek for comfort? I am a gossip well. I fill up with things I hear, see, suspect, but almost never do I let such things out. Or so it used to be. Wells fill up eventually. Wells need to be emptied. Some things I fear I have pushed along.

Maybe it's not a bad thing, but it's a weird thing, a stressful thing. I have, unexpectedly, become the one who speaks up, stands up to be heard. I am the one being thanked by the CEO of the company for helping with something, for all of my department to see. I am the one who laughs at hearing someone hates them, regard their obvious gossiping when I approach as entertaining. The silence as I pass by, returning when I am away, has become funny -- "How obvious can you be?"

But what is funny for me is a mess for others. I talk to others in my department, and they talk to me, and the well fills with bracken waters. Ash stains my fingers, and though so much of me says "Don't say anything, wait for THEM", my morality sifts out the soot and says "There is no waiting".

Everyone is scary to me, so there is no need for added anxiety. I approach and enter an office with fear and anxiety bubbling from my heart and mouth, but when I decide to do something, I do it. There is no waiting, no comfort for the comforter. I look down at my health and career, and say "We are emptying this well, no matter the dirt left behind."

When did I become the mother of mothers? The nail that stands up, as they say? How has it become me to approach a manager and speak of bullying and racism, of people being afraid they were be fired if they speak up? How am I the one who gets the response of HR being looped in, words that are a strange blend of hope and fear? I am but a bystander, ignored but not degraded. In that office my voice speaks for others, when I cannot speak for myself. I return to those I guard wishing I could bring back better hope.

Who comforts the comforter? Friends, family, pets? Perhaps if I sought out any of them, they would try. But this comforter blankets her bed quiltless. There may be holes where the down is escaping, but in that twisted saying, good things come to those who wait. Will I have relief, or firm things to need relief from? As I juggle the madness of living, will I have a ball taken away, or a stray one that smacks me in the face? A million bad metaphors could get me no closer to an answer; it lies in a blood vial, in chemical reactions, in a lab printout, somewhere out there.

Who comforts the comforter? Who empties that well?

Perhaps I should ask who is filling it in the first place...

(P.S. I don't have any details I want to share right now, since the test results aren't in yet. So I'll say that I've been better, but beyond drama at work everything is okay there; and that depending on those test results, we may have an answer to a lot of my health issues soon. Feel free to approach me through message or IM if you want though.)
breezeshadow: ANXIETY TIMES ICON (FeedbackHell)
Title: Lavender
Genre: Fantasy
The Troops: Tegre and Cassandra
Status: Complete but very rough
Rating: PG-13, disturbing imagery and also just very depressing
Summary: Sometimes your body stays alive while your brain slowly rots...
Prompt: NA
Author's Notes: I'm not too happy with this, but I AM happy to have finally finished something. I'll let this stew before going back to flesh it out a bit more. This story was first posted here.

Major TW for depression, familicide, physical disability )
breezeshadow: TEA TIMES ICON (ALLtheTea)
Welcome back to the third installment of my Sims 3 Legacy! We're quite behind at this point -- when we last left off, 4th gen heir Edith had just become a teen. In the actual game, she's now an elder and the 5th gen has started. So let's dive in, shall we?

Tons of pictures below the cut )

And now we're onto Generation 4, and thus only one generation behind instead of 1.5 or whatever. I'll try to get the next chapters up a bit more quickly, so stay tuned.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
Hagaas taught not to hate.

She repeated the thought in tune with her breathing, forced and careful, against the hammering of her heart and mind.

It was such a silly thing to hate someone for. Plants grew back. They weren't like people, smashed to pieces and then lost forevermore. But they weren't like clothes either; she couldn't run to the store and buy a replicate, good as new and immediately replaced. Plants needed time and care. She had spent innumerable hours among the flowers, removing weeds one at a time if she needed to, protecting them from too much sun or water, even shielding them from the last rash of frost earlier in the year.

And some asshole overnight had stomped through her flowers, tearing some out of the earth, smashing others, and definitely stealing a few. Ripped petals littered her front patio and led down to the very edge of her yard -- deliberate vandalism. Not a single plant was left untouched, though a few poor things were still standing, bared and dying in the early morning sun.

She wanted to smash them apart, break their bones and rip their clothes, leaving them to dry out in the sun. But such thoughts were unwarranted; she didn't need Hagaas to tell her that. Violence could not be justified or rectified with further violence. Death was never justice, but revenge that would haunt the murderer just as much as his victim.

He continued on to speak of understanding, and how a kind heart and loving hand would help bridge all differences. Clearly, Hagaas never had his garden smashed to pieces.

----

All of my characters have major problems, so I figured SOMEONE out there should be pissy over something everyday and not traumatic.

Eilís lived a pretty privileged life and I never really focus on her much, so there we have it.

For [community profile] origfic_bingo, prompt "hatred".
breezeshadow: It's a wolverine, hey! (Default)
And of course they picked the happy one.

TW anyway for mentions of war and past trauma )

This will be a cotton candy story, but more due to my and Lynette's dry senses of humour.

Also, too much fire metaphor, jeez.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
Welcome to the third installment in my Sims 3 Legacy! You can find the other two by searching the "sims" or "legacy" tags.

The last time we were here, my family had just gotten back from Egypt, which was a pile of laughs. It's been a WHILE since then, so I don't have much more a preamble. Let's just get to it!

Lots of pictures under the cut )

And on that very long note, until next time! Gen 4 has already started, while I'm slowly figuring out the mods, so tune in next time for more positional errors and snark.

Tschuess!
breezeshadow: FML TIMES ICON (FMLBear)
Today, I looked at the ingredients of some Lindt Hello chocolate I had bought at the store.

To my horror, it contained palm oil.

For those unfamiliar with it, palm oil is yet another foreign product that first-world countries have latched upon, and thus significantly increased the demand for. Last time it was quinoa, which likely was not as bad as feared.

Palm oil, on the other hand, is used in multiple industries, many of them large-scale (ex. soap). To meet this demand, rainforests in Indonesia, Malaysia, and Colombia are being removed to plant the palm trees. Needless to say, this has a disastrous effect on an already fragile environment.

As if that weren't enough, there is also evidence that the big companies running these plantations are threatening and evicting indigenous populations from their native lands, leaving them displaced from their livelihood and home. We don't need to look across the oceans to know how badly that goes.

I sent Lindt an online request to consider not using palm oil. I encourage all of you to do the same for any company that you buy from that uses it. You're welcome to use this:

Letter here )

Changing it to fit your company, of course.

There are enough awful things going on in the world. We don't need to make it worse by demanding things that aren't necessary. Chocolate in particular is already mired in rainforest destruction; there is no need to add palm oil to the problem.

Feel free to signal boost this.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
TW for anxiety )

Seriously, anxiety!squirrel, go find a tree or something.
breezeshadow: ANXIETY TIMES ICON (FeedbackHell)
This post may get a bit rambling, but hopefully it'll all make sense.

So on Saturday I drove down to a coastal town a hundred miles from me to visit their aquarium with some friends. This was breaking new territory for me in many ways: I invited them out, not the other way around; I was driving welllll beyond where I'd usually go; and I was leaving the house to get to their place BY 9AM. And so on and so forth.

Unfortunately TW for social phobia )

The good news is my friends are total sweethearts and handled me being a neurotic mess with grace. They told me it was fine if I needed to duck out if the crowds were too much, and were willing to move which table we sat at at the chocolate shop since we were right next to a table of shrieking brats (that isn't exaggeration. I kept wincing, and one of my friends started to get a headache). I felt so bad that I was such a mess, but they were understanding and encouraged me to invite them out again.

I tentatively mentioned us meeting up for board games this weekend for my birthday and they said sure, so we'll see if I get over that activation energy bump again.

I'll try to link some pictures later, but Facebook is FREAKING OUT at uploading them, and also my hands were shaking so badly that most of the photos are shit. But there are some I'll share.

----

Now onto other things. First: Scott Lynch's Red Seas under Red Skies has a mother-fuckin' dark-skinned single-mother-of-two PIRATE as a character. I'm not enjoying this novel as much as the first in the series (The Lies of Locke Lamora, an excellent book), but DAMMIT that character is made of win. Apparently some asshat whined at Lynch about wish fulfillment regarding her and Lynch very bluntly told him to shut the fuck up, women need wish fulfillment too, which, <3

My favourite character is still Jean because I don't even know, he's just funny and adorable and he carries around twin hatchets, leave me alone.

----

Finally, I'm almost done with the Gareth/Andy story (I know, SUPER SLOW writer). I can't figure out how to end it, which is normal for me. So here, have a random excerpt until I figure it out:

No TWs that I can think of )

I'm not used to Andy talking so much. I don't think he is either.

----

On that note, I'm going to take Red Seas with me to bed and either finish it or fall asleep trying. Hope you all are doing well.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: ANXIETY TIMES ICON (FeedbackHell)
First, what you all are more interested in: more of the Gareth story from yesterday.

Soft TW for phantom limb mention )

Really, I just wanted to share that last paragraph. And also share that it took me at least a MINUTE to remember the word "ambush". I stared at WordPad thinking "There's a word for when a group surprise attacks you. I KNOW there is... But what is it?" I was just writing out a text to a friend to ask when it came to me. Thanks, brain.

Also I apologize for my writing being awful lately. I've been severely out of the habit, and Zoloft-brain is being pretty bad lately in creative writing.

And then, to explain the icon: TW for anxiety )

Now to continue this story and hope it gets a bit less like pulling teeth.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: WTF TIMES ICON (WTFCat)
For [community profile] hc_bingo, prompt "First transformation">

TW for phantom limbs and violence including eating live things, cannibalism )

Jeez, this is even darker than the first writing of this story. But once I saw the prompt, I knew I had to rewrite when Gareth first morphs into a werewolf.

Need to clean it up some so the plot is less stereotypical and to make sure my metaphors aren't completely batshit insane. Comments welcome. Obviously, the comfort part is still to come.

Fun fact: every time I write Gareth, I get his pronouns wrong at least once.

Fun fact two: I first wrote that the cannonballs were sleeping. Slackers.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
Welcome to the first real episode of my Sims 3 Legacy. I'm afraid I don't have a fancy name for it because I can't name my own stories (As evidenced by "Abandoned Gardens"), but hopefully you'll enjoy it.

Lots of pictures! )

And that's the end of this "episode". Stay tuned next time for Cow Plants and moving neighborhoods!

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
So I don't know if you guys know, but there's this Legacy challenge with the Sims 3, where you basically have to go through 10 generations of a family without cheats etc. There's also a version where you roll for what the generation has to do, etc. I'm playing that version with some modifications (I use resetSim a lot thanks to my Sims getting stuck being idiots), and allow myself 1-2 rerolls since some options just bore me.

Some people create blogs about their legacy's, and Selena linked me to this one, and it is absolutely hysterical. So I was inspired to try my hand at it.

My legacy's already started though, and so for now...

Previously, in the Sims 3... )

And that's where we stand right now! Gen 3 will be ready to roll soon, so hopefully I can track them more carefully. And hopefully the stray dogs will STOP SHOWING UP. Or at least let me adopt them.

Tschuess!
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
[community profile] hc_bingo is one of my favourite bingo games on here, due to the interesting premise.

TW for one sex-change prompt and quite a few violent ones )

Should be fun.
breezeshadow: BRAIN PROBLEMS ICON (BrokenBrainGoldfish)
My circadian rhythm has decided to fuck everything again, and after a few weeks of waking up at 7AM, then a few more weeks waking up at 6AM, this morning I woke up at 5-fucking-AM. NP recommended upping the trazadone and I'll be leaving work early tomorrow (did so today as well, or tried) to try and convince the dumbassery to go away, thanks.

Been trying to get back into writing regularly, but seems I'm at a rough point in AG. Here you all are anyway:

TW for spousal abuse )

Rose May is a one-track record and she ain't gonna skip because you're going to Frenton.

On that sleep-deprived note, will try to get a bit more writing tonight. We shall see.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: WTF TIMES ICON (WTFCat)
TW for graphic injuries, casual mention of rape, murder, etc. )

Inspired by [community profile] dailyprompt's we've been given a second chance" prompt. I have some idea of where it's going, but will have to stew on it.

I blame your writing, [personal profile] raze ;)

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: WTF TIMES ICON (WTFCat)
Apparently I'm posting a lot today; apologies. I just really need to get a rant off of my chest.

TW for end-of-earth apocalypse, sociopathic assholes )

So I think I'm just going to hide his posts, possibly unfriend him altogether. I don't have time for this kind of nonsense.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: WRITING TIMES ICON (BellaGUC)
Turns out Lin is actually "Fin". I so smart. I was reading the story starring her to make her for the Sims, and I remembered how much I liked her, so here you go.

[community profile] origfic_bingo, "traveling"

TW for war, violence, PTSD )

So yeah. This will probably be a longer one if I ever manage to finish it.

Tschuess.
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
Making Nur, Lin, and Lynette in the Sims today, and as I'm giving Nur her traits I'm like "Hmmm, do I want to give her Commitment Issues? Wait, she has Flirty, Party Animal, Daredevil... Dammit I'm making her into a stereotypical frat boy."

Probably will replace Party Animal with something else, as she already has "Night Owl" for that.
breezeshadow: AWESOME TIMES ICON (DuckyWEEEEE)
Eventually I may post a whole story here, but my brain's been a tad ADD with writing lately.

[community profile] cottoncandy_bingo, Deciding to have / not have children

Read more... )

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend. My new laptop came in and it is shiny and beautiful, though I may have to change the resolution settings because I am, unfortunately, blind as a bat and this text is a tad too small. I can see it and read it, but my nearsighted/astigmatism combo is making it feel a bit wobbly.

Perhaps I will make some characters in the Sims and share them. I always start fresh with new computers -- growing up my father would have to regularly format my computer's hard drive because old Windows was hilariously unstable, and that computer was just evil anyway. It meant new petz, new everything, and while technology has come along enough for me to fit the entire petz 3 game on my USB, I still start all other games with a clean slate.

Tschuess.

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